February 15, 2011

  • Heartbreak Warfare

    I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi to me or even smile, because I know even if it’s for just a second– I crossed your mind.

    It’s hard to try and give your heart to someone when the last person you gave it to is still breaking it and won’t give it back.

    It doesn’t matter how many times your heart gets broken, what matters is eventually a guy will come along who will pick up all the pieces. So never stop trying.

    Every guy I like breaks my heart and the only guy who really did like me now hates me because I broke his.

    Everyone is always asking me what’s wrong, but I don’t even think it makes any sense, its just… my heart hurts.

    It seems that until I find someone else who’ll love me I cant move on from the only one who ever has.

    After all this time you still have this amazing power to make me feel absolutely crazy each time I see you.

    And I hate that every time the phone rings… I want so badly for it to be you.

    I told myself no more. I had convinced myself I wasn’t going to fall for another guy again, but there you were… you were outside my classes and the voice I heard when I picked up the phone. I was so scared to tell you how I felt, to admit to myself that this was something special I was feeling. But I told you, and you said you felt the same, so there’s just one thing I want to know… how did this not end up happily ever after?

    I’m just nervous about school, that’s all. Nervous about seeing him and having to walk away, and hearing his voice scream my name as I’m walking away, but even more, seeing him and her kissing as I turn the corner.

    I need you. I need that guy who can make me laugh just by the way he says hello when I pick up the phone, the guy who makes my hands shake when I’m sitting next to him, and the guy who isn’t afraid to keep hugging me when I’m not ready to let go yet.

    It’s weird, yeah I miss you, but it’s so much more then that. I miss the way my heart stopped at just the sight of you and that smile. The sad part about it is your smile isn’t the only one that I’m missing. I miss my own, the one that’s only there when yours is.

    I know we don’t talk anymore and there have even been times I’ve noticed we’ve walked right by each other without saying a word. There are those times, however, when we see each other… make eye contact… and I know, no matter how hard we both try and hide it… that you miss me just as much as I miss you.

    Not everything is going to be picture perfect and things sometimes take time and have many rough things to get through before you can get there, but if you just stop and let it fade away than everything you’ve gone through ends up being worth nothing.

    Just when I thought no one could make me forget him, I met you.

    It’s this continuous cycle of me falling over and over again, but he always catches me just before I hit the ground… then takes me to the top, let’s me go and I fall all over again. And you’d think, just once I’d say “You know, maybe I don’t feel like going back up there with you,” but instead I do the opposite and practically let him blindfold me and take me himself, with no control of my own. I give him everything and for some reason expect to be okay afterwards.

    I thought by meeting this new guy, talking to this guy on the phone all night, and looking forward to seeing his face everyday that it would make me stop wanting you. That wasn’t the case at all, instead, whenever I talked to this guy, or when I looked at this guy… all I wanted in the whole world was for it to be you.

    I can’t breathe. It’s like this love I have is suddenly being overpowered by this pain I feel of him not loving me back.

    I can’t stop crying. I don’t understand, and it’s not the loud, screaming crying. Its just the tears continuously roll down my face, and I can’t do anything to stop them.

    Maybe he’s doing the same thing as me. Maybe he wants so bad to call me, but just won’t because I haven’t called him. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t fill myself with false hope that he might just be missing me like I’m missing him.

    Watching you walk away from me tonight, knowing that in that moment it was the last time any of the emotion we’ve felt for each other would ever be expressed, realizing that as much as you wait for someone, as much as you love someone not everything that feels right is meant to be. And seeing for the first time in my life, that sometimes… watching the person you love walk away from you is the best thing for you, even when its the most painful to watch them not turn around as they walk away.

    I just can’t help but realize how he’s made me so weak that by the time he’s ready to love me, I won’t have anything left in me to love him back.

    He can’t keep saying he thinks about me all day long and then smile and say hi as he walks by me with her.

    I am so ready to let go, just move on, and be happy. But there is always this little shred of… well maybe he’ll want me tomorrow. You know?

    And you’ll never know how it feels to have the one person who means everything to you make you feel like nothing.

    I am so scared. Scared that I won’t ever feel like this again, that I won’t ever find someone who can make me feel so complete yet at the same time be the one who’s leaving me feeling lifeless.

    Before I was so scared of losing him, of not being able to hear his voice, his laugher, feel his arms around me, but now I know that those are things I wouldn’t ever be able to forget. Things I can’t lose because they will forever be a part of me and who I am.

    Where do you start in describing someone who is the whole reason your heart began beating… the reason for the smile on your face in the mornings, the reason the lyrics to certain songs have become something you can relate to instead of just something you sing along with.

    I hate that you have this idea in your head how you feel about someone and that you get this need type feeling when they’re not around. I don’t need him to wake up each morning or to go to sleep at night. Why then does it make the time in between so hard to live through?

    When he looks at me I don’t want to turn away. Usually, when any guy looks me in the eyes I have to look away after about 3 seconds, but with him I struggle to take my eyes off of him.

    I’ve gone through this before and that’s why I don’t get why this is so hard for me to deal with. It’s the simple fact that he just doesn’t want me like I want him, I guess, maybe, it’s so hard because for a while there he made me feel like he did, maybe that’s the difference.

    Well, the tears are starting to slow down now. The pain, however, remains constant.

    I just, I love it when he’s around. He knows me, he gets me and I know that with him I never have to be anyone but myself.

    I know a lot of people know who he is, but I also know there are not that many who got to see the guy that I did and that guy, well, I’ll never forget him . . . never. I’ve learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these in order to make it through. Besides, no matter what he’s done or not done he had the biggest impact on me these past four years. And, I know, no matter how many years go by . . . my stomach will always do a little flip when I see that face.

    It’s the fact that I could have a ‘someone’ right now if I chose to, but it wouldn’t matter. I still wouldn’t be happy, because even if I had someone, that someone wouldn’t be him.

    But there was this little hope, this tiny bit of it– that maybe he’d say something, or give something a chance. But when he left, I realized I don’t want to hope for it anymore. I walked away wanting to be walking away from him, with no urge to turn back around.

    It’s gone. He let me walk by, without even a glance in my direction. This guy, who loves me, who needs me so much is going to lose me. And I will eventually be okay.

    Sometimes I miss him, not for any specific reason like most people when they miss someone, like they miss the person’s smile or kiss or even just hearing their voice. But, that isn’t what I miss. What I miss isn’t something that anyone else would get to miss from loving him. What I miss is something rare, something he doesn’t give to everyone… I miss his love.

    As he was walking away from me, as he was sitting on the bleachers, as I see him walk in front of me in the hallway, I can’t ever see myself not wanting to be his. I would pick him over anyone… any day.

    I missed him like crazy. I didn’t realize it until afterwards, but I did. A part of me wasn’t there. I thought that was for the best, but maybe it wasn’t.

    But oh, the high I felt from just talking to him again. That feeling gets inside you; it reminds you why you wake up every morning. It’s something that you can’t remember how it feels when it isn’t there, but once it is you never want it to go away.

    Not that he would ever ask me to stay; it’s just nice to think that he would love me enough to want me to.

    I just want to kiss him and tell him that through all this I ended up doing the one thing I told myself not to. I fell. And now, I’ve crashed.

    I want him so much it scares me. I lose myself in him, and I don’t know what I’ll do if he stops wanting me to.

    comment.sub.rec. <3 <3 <3

    This is your time to tell me what you want to see in my next update tonight! What kind of pics, quotes or anything do you want to see?? :)

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