September 2, 2012

• Collecting your jar of hearts

  

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  Listen. There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it’s cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don’t feel death coming.

  

  The beautiful thing about memories is that they are yours; whether they are good, bad, or indifferent. They belong to you, and no matter where life takes you, your memories tie you to where you’ve been, and to where you are now.

  

  To every girl who gossiped about me in corners of parties, to those who were my slap in the face, to the close minded or misunderstanding, to those boys that broke my heart, and to those friends who turned out to be backstabbers. You all challenged me to become the person I wanted to be. I am stronger because of all the stupid things you put me through. No matter how much you have done to me, you have unknowingly done so much more for me. So, thanks.

  

  Sometimes, there are things in our life that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes, change may not be what we want. Sometimes, change is exactly what we need. and sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you’ll ever have to do, but sometimes, saying hello again is the thing that breaks you down and makes you more vulnerable than you ever thought possible. Sometimes, change is too much to bear. But most of the time, change is the only thing saving your life.

  

  The problem is we want change. We wish for something different to come and sweep us off and away. But really, when that something different comes and knocks on our door we turn away. When it’s not exactly what we expected we run away from it thinking it can do nothing but harm. When in fact we should embrace it, accept the fact that things don’t always go to plan and learn to live with what’s thrown our way.

  

  I’ve accepted that we can’t be but I’ve also accepted that you’re going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots. No matter how happy I am otherwise and no matter how long it’s been. The one I will always wish had secretly asked me to the dance even though I’m happier with the guy that did. Do you realize how incredibly difficult it is to accept both those things at once?

  

  Usually when I was alone in the house during the evening, I had to turn on every single light, but I didn’t care that night. So what if a hand came out from under the bed and grabbed me? That would be nothing. They say that certain things are going to be terrible and that they are going to destroy you, but they don’t. I sat on the side of the bed. It was as if my soul had been frozen, and I waited for it to thaw, in order to get on with my life.

  

  I think I’m at the point where I’ve liked you for so long that it’s just an automatic response for me. I don’t know if I really still do, but whenever someone says your name, my heart beats faster. I still get jealous and you still have the power to ruin my entire day. But I have a feelings that’s just the way it’s gonna be for a while. I know I need to move on, I don’t know if I can. I’m not strong enough to move away from the one amazing person that’s been on my mind forever. So do you think you could please make this easy and just love me back?

  

  I hold it in. keep it secret from him. No I am not trying to inconspicuously snatch him away from her in such a manner. I just want him to be happy. I don’t want him to be sad, feeling bad, hurting himself and her for my own sake. I don’t want him to suffer, and think he’s doing the right thing for me. I don’t need his pity. I just need him.

  

  Call me crazy, but I still believe very much in untainted, unchanging, everlasting love. Despite the heartbreak and the disappointment that follows each mismatch, I’ve never failed to pick myself right back up to dive into yet another dream. It’s just I’ve seen rainbows without the rain, I’ve felt the ground shake as I prayed, I’ve witnessed light shine from darkness, so I’ve concluded that true love must be out there waiting for us.

  

  It’s amazing the things you realize when you lose someone. You get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could have said a million times. You take for granted the days you spent doing nothing when you could have been with them. Anyone can be taken, at any point in our lives, but we always wait until they’re gone to say the things we never had the courage to say.

  

  Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down; people talk about you when you’re not around. People make promises they just can’t keep, and I’ve come to realize that talk is cheap. Too often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone; too often we wait too long to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts, and we allow foolish things to tear our lives apart.

  

  The hardest thing ever is taking chances. Because you can only take so much pain. And you can only get hurt so many times before you create a bubble around yourself to avoid any more scars. And then you end up never really living at all. So we deal with pain. We take chances and we take risks, because either way we’re going to lose, and it’s going to hurt.

  

  Doesn’t matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It’s what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.

  

  We will always want something more than what we’ve got. But face it, whatever happens, happens. And whatever we are given, we need to hold onto that with all of our might. Because that’s it. That’s what we were given, what we’ve been trusted in to keep, to treasure, to take care of and to love with all of our hearts. We need to appreciate every little thing we’ve got because, well, it’s all we’ve got. It’s okay to dream, but first you need to treasure reality in all its beauty.

  

  • 9:35 pm
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