September 4, 2012
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this changes everything
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I want you to know that I love you. I never did stop, not for one gasping second. My love for you is unconditional and it will never end as long as I live. I refuse to find other when I have the one I want. I never doubted us, but you did. I never stopped thinking about you, even though you stopped thinking about me. I never wanted to let go, but you did.
I’m so sick and tired of acting like I’m fine because truthfully, I’m not. I can’t even talk to you without being so incredibly sad. You were the person who was always supposed to be there for me. My friend, my everything. And you ruined it in that moment. And I acted like it didn’t hurt.
I hate being put in this position. I’m forcing myself to let go of the one person that I need in my life. He’s the only thing that makes sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicates me. I know that I’m better off without him, yet I feel empty whenever I try to let go but I guess that emptiness is better than constant hurt.
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Although I hope I’ll know it if I find it along the way. Sometimes I want to simplify my life into a single bare thing. And other times I want to complicate it so thoroughly that everything I touch will become bound in some way to me.
Here I stand all alone tonight and I wish I was strong enough to breathe without you in my life, I wish I was anyone but me.
What does it take to hope? Everything. Hope takes never ceasing to be amazed, wearing your soul on your sleeve, holding your breath, waiting to hear “I love you, too” Believing that tomorrow could be better than today, that you’ll get a second chance, that you’ll make a difference, that you’ll finally be able to stand for something in your life.
I’m not that good of a person. I make mistakes, I have regrets, and I act like I’m alot smarter than I actually am I cry, I laugh way too loud, and things just seem to get to me basically, I’m saying I’m not perfect but when I’m with you, I forget that, and it just doesn’t matter anymore.
I remember one morning getting up at dawn. There was such a sense of possibility. You know that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself, so, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.
Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate need’s no instruction, but wait’s only to be provoked.
I wasn’t born to live up to your standards. I was brought here to live my life for myself, to live my life to the best of my ability. I was born to fight for myself and stand tall. I was taught to give as much as I get, and to love as much as I’m loved.
Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect someone to read your mind, and don’t play games with heads or hearts. Don’t tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better than lies. Don’t be cold to someone you care about, indifference hurts more than angry words.
So, I guess I trusted you a bit too much. When I let you hold my heart in your hands, You just shattered it, then handed me back the pieces with a note attached that said “You’ll be needing these” Not even a sorry. Not even a hint of remorse. Now, how am I supposed to fix this? Because scotch tape and glue can’t handle something this broken.
There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.
All my life I was so open about everything. I let people just walk in to my life, not caring what they might bring with them. That’s how i got myself into this mess, I let them walk over me and use and hurt me but not anymore. I promise from this day on I will protect myself and I’ll be damned if I let someone get the best of me ever again.
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.
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