Today will be a great day

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September 4, 2012

Today will be a great day

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I must admit, I saw it coming. The air between us had gotten harder yet to breathe. I’d run away if I could help it, but I can’t remember to forget your face. You’re as beautiful as ever, yet I’m starting to resent your smile. Because it’s killing me to say this, but I’m dying inside to leave. It’s a place we’ve never been, and it’s a waste to keep it in. It means little to you, but it means the world to me.

I’m lonely. Why do you think I had to learn to act so independent? I also get mad too quickly, and I hog the covers, and my second toe is longer than my big one. My hair has it’s own zip code. Plus, I get certifiably crazy when I’ve got PMS. You don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.

But I can’t help but stay in this position. As much as I want to let you go, as much as it hurts to keep my heart here, I just can’t do it. I can’t let you go. I can’t live without you and I can’t freaking stand it that I’m so helplessly hurting over here while you’re all good-and-fucking-dandy with her. So, now what? It seems like I’ve tried everything in this world to just be happy. With or without you. So maybe, maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. Maybe I’m just supposed to stay being this mess that I have been these past few months. Maybe it’s my fault for getting into all of this in the first place.

I can’t handle being friends with you right now. It’s not completely because of what you did to us, to me, but you’re a constant reminder to me of what I did to myself. I chose to believe you, believe every word that came out of your mouth, and I wouldn’t be sitting here with mascara staining my cheeks if I didn’t believe you. So when it’s easier to blame you, I know that I’m the one to blame for my own broken heart.

In a world of comparison and conformity, make your own statement. Honor your own truth. Have the courage to be yourself; risk speaking your own thoughts and claiming your emotions. Share your vulnerabilities, tears, doubts, and insecurities; let others experience the real you. Have the courage to be yourself and realize that you’re a wonderful person.

I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the ending, we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance and in peace that comes from knowing you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

I hope you know what you lost. I hope you know what you had to begin with. I hope you know what mistake you made leaving; If you don’t then I hope you realize it. Most of all; I hope you regret every single bit of it.

I know what it’s like to have a disconnected youth. I know the fix of stimulants, the destruction that we require to feel, growing up but wanting to grow away, the young love, the social problems and the sense of living at a right angle to the rest of the world.

It’s sad when people you know become people you knew; when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you use to be able to talk for hours and how now you can barely even look at them. It’s sad how times can change.

Why I love you is a hard question to answer. I love you because you care for me like no one else I know. I love the way I feel in your arms, so safe from dangers in the world. I love your eyes, so hypnotic and mesmerizing, beautiful to gaze into and yet never revealing everything to me. I can’t explain every way that I love you because that’s impossible, but I can say I love you because you are you.

For the first time in my life, I know the true meaning of “breakdown”. You always hear people say, “Oh i’m having a breakdown” but it’s different than that. It’s when something so small, so ridiculously unimportant, sets you off and you snap. You feel it inside of you and you try to hold it back. You don’t need people asking questions, but someone will make a joke at your expense or playfully slap your shoulder and you lose it. You almost hate them for what you’ve said or done but maybe that’s not why maybe you hate them simply because they’re happy.

You said yourself that you were done with this. I believed you, it’s the trust I miss. When my eyes start to tear, You’ll remain part of everything. I am your friend, talk to me, tell me anything. I love you despite everything.

And sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere, all of a sudden this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.