September 5, 2012

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  When I was girl, my life was music that was always getting louder. Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much. A calender that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did. Where the smoke from the chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of  a table. I spent my life learning to feel less. Every day I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?

  

  Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere; safe and comfortable, but dull and pointless.

  

  After all these months, all this time, so much has happened. The talks, the phone calls, the laughs and the feelings. If I were to look back on them, I would never have believed that, that person was once me. I wouldn’t recognize that girl because she’s so different from me. But I guess changing and moving on is growing up, I’m growing up and finding out what kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. And maybe in the future, there are more changes to come, but as for right now, this is who I’m proud to be.

  

  When I see you together, my heart falls. And it’s not because I hate her or because she doesn’t deserve you. It’s because I’ve always told you that you deserve the best, and now I’m afraid that you’ve found it. And the worst part is, I’m crazy about you. I love what you are, and what you do and how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength that carries you through. I’ve seen the best of you. I’ve seen the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. And I love you.

  

  So it goes unsaid that we’ve been here before. Lonely nights and endless fights and sleeping on the floor. And he’s sorry, so the story goes. It’s read and replayed and ends the same way. Stop expecting change, he’s just a lost cause that you’re waiting on.

  

  You’re always going to have a place in my life. You’re always going to be that love that I’ll long for when you’re gone, and I’ll always miss you.

  

  I had always thought of myself as aware and thoughtful, but it had occurred to me that most people believed this of themselves. Even as they cheated on their lovers and averted their eyes from the homeless. You could ask a wife beater if he was a good person and he’d probably say yes.

  

  Sometimes I don’t know what to think about. I don’t know what to believe. Sometimes, I wish I could just run away, get out, and leave. But then you always find a way to brighten my worst day. You turn the worst to best in just a single minute. I don’t know how my life would be without you in it. I guess I just want to let you know that no matter how life may go, always know it’s true that I love you and I’ll be here for you.

  

  As you’re reading this, your life’s getting shorter. It’s ticking away. I’m not saying this to frighten you. Or even scare you. Though it may. I’m saying this to awaken you. To inspire you. To rise you out of your deep slumber. To really know you won’t live forever.

  

  The biggest challenge in life you’ll find almost impossible to defeat, is the fact that you gave up on something you could have had. You quit before something could take place. You say you’re going to change, but really you’re still the same. And no matter how much the truth may scare you, in one point in your life, you’re going to have to over come your fears.

  

  It was one of those uncommon moments. Those times when you don’t wish for something else. For even one thing to be different. When you have no other needs and no other worries. Where your insides are calm. And everything you were ever restless about, anything that had ever given you angst, is quieted to stillness.

  

  The higher you build your walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone breaks them down. The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.

  

  I’m the type of girl who will fall for a guy she barely knows, who will listen to a love song and see his face, who will look for him wherever she goes. I’m the type of girl who doesn’t get over things easily, who will beat herself up when someone doesn’t love her back, who will cry herself to sleep because she feels she’s not good enough. But I’m also the type of girl who’s strong, who can cry her eyes out then forbid them to come back the next morning, who will blast some old pop song and sing at the top of her lungs cause she feels like it, who will be no one but herself.

  

  Take chances, a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with who it always ends up the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel. Always be you, and be okay with it.

  

  I don’t let my guard down, I built those walls up high, and they’re not coming down anytime soon.  Don’t worry, you won’t be crashing through them.  You think you’re special, you think that I’ll let you in.. Well, you’re wrong.  Because no one is coming through, and I’m certainly not going out.  I guess you could say, I’m taking a break from feelings for a little while.

  

  I just want to live my life without you. I want to be able to wake up each morning and not wish you would call me. I want to be able to walk around with a smile, and pass right by you without a second glance, without noticing that you never gave me one.

  

  Some things you don’t know you miss until, out of nowhere, you have them back, or have them back but all wrong. The way, after a dream, where you’ve kissed someone who, in real life, you’ll never kiss again, maybe you’ve never kissed at all, you wake up and realize, in the throbbing pit of your stomach, how impossible it is to live without kissing them again.

  

  There’s a huge difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up is sacrificing what was rightfully yours, and letting go is forgetting what never was.

  

  Two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing’s wrong it’s never going to work out. Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. Weirdos and creeps are single cause they are weird and creepy but people like us are single because of bad timing.

  

  I feel so far away from everything but I still feel comfort in being alone. That way I can lock my emotions away and no one will see the pain behind my smile. The loneliness begins to eat away at me until I can’t take it anymore… yet I still won’t let you in. You’ll never see the real me. Because if this happens, I’ll have nothing left to shelter me, no illusion to shade the truth.

  

  • 2:35 pm
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