December 15, 2012

• I’m only going to break your heart

  

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  I told him I was afraid of falling; and he whispered “I have wings”.

  

  Three months ago, if you asked me, I would have told you that if you really loved someone, you’d let them go. But now I look at you, and I dream about her, and I see that I’ve been wrong. If you really love someone, I think you have to take them back.

  

  You know what it’s like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hope that she still finds happiness, even if it’s never going to be with you.

  

  Each person has the same thought at least once in their lifetime, but it’s what we do with the thoughts that makes us stand out. Some of us just have ideas that we ignore, others work on that idea. Who will you be?

  

  Here’s the whole truth when it comes to me loving you: I do. Period. Simple as that.

  

  Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

  

  Promise me. That’s all I want. Just a promise that you will never forget me. Tell me I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you will always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don’t want to go on knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you.

  

  The mind may have forgotten, but the body remembers everything -in the melody of a song, in a rip of a dress, in a taste stuck at the tip of your tongue, in the freckled constellation splattered across your light skin, in a look not mean to be a look, in the movement their hips against yours, in a graze between nervous hands, in the loud beat of your beating heart. In one moment, the body remembers everything so vividly, so wildly, as if it were experiencing it the first time & the last time combined – an explosion of sorts that will never seem to leave with time. These things have become pieces of us, that have found a way to stay forever, as much as we deny it ever happened. But the reality is that it was never a figment – in fact, it was our realest dream somehow brought to life.

  

  It’s once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you start to like is going to break your heart.

  

  You know what is such a beautiful thing? People. In general. Everyone. People. Ah, I love them. All. Because they know things. They see things in a way I never have. They let me into their mind and let me explore and let me dig in the cavernous areas that they don’t let everyone into. It’s such a beautiful thing to be trusted and to trust and to love and to be loved. I am in awe of the world.

  

  What exactly needs explanation? The fact that I’ve been waiting around like a moron hoping that one day you’ll actually feel about me the way I feel about you? Or the fact that you’re so obsessed with your future that you completely forget about everyone you’re supposed to give a shit about? I’m not waiting around anymore. I’m done. I may not know exactly what my future looks like, but I know one thing; you’re not in it.

  

  Somewhere, things must be beautiful and vivid. Somewhere else, life has to be beautiful and vivid and rich. Not like this muted palette- a pale blue bedroom, washed out sunny sky, dull green yellow brown of the fields. Here, I know every twist of the road, every blade of grass, every face in this town, and I am suffocating.

  

  I live in notes and photographs and everything I’m holding back, but you’re the words that weren’t enough. You remind me of a song I used to love.

  

  I had no interests. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.

  

  Maybe things happen for a reason, maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen.

  

  The thing is, life is random. Sometimes it’s tragic, and totally messed up. But there’s one thing that makes all the drama and tears worthwhile. If you’re lucky enough to find someone you love, who loves you back, it’s a gift.

  

  • 5:11 pm
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