December 19, 2012

• I’ve got the magic in me

  

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  I used to think when I got older; the world would make so much more sense. But you know what? The older I get, the more confusing it is to me. The more complicated it is to me. You’d think we’d get better at it, but we don’t.

  

  The world really is bizarre. The innocent people? They’re not really that innocent. The guilty people, the offenders? They have stories that go deep into their souls. The bitches? Sometimes they’re not bitches, just be bitches in order to keep their wall up nice and solid. The people that you think that care more than anything? Sometimes they really don’t care at all. And the people that you think have no idea? They care the most. They understand. Because they’ve been there. Some may say people are just people, but people have lives, families, hopes, dreams, visions. Some people have holes in their heart, and you would never know it just by looking at them.

  

  If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives.You’ll find you’re way again.

  

  It’s sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and now you can barely even look at them.

  

  Sometimes there is nothing to be said. Sometimes nothing should be said. I just want to find someone who won’t run away. Someone to look me in the eyes and tell me it’s okay. that things don’t always go right. That is how life works, and how it will always work. That it’s not going to be easy. Today, Tomorrow, the next day, but it will somehow get better.

  

  Sometimes I wish I could just turn it all off. I wish I didn’t feel anything, for you, for anything and anyone. Because feelings hurt. The moment you let your emotions take control, you’re fucked. I suppose you just have to decide whether it’s all going to be worth it or not, the troubles that come with love. Because of course, he’s going to hurt you. But if you really believe that in the end you will come out of it alive, together, then by all means go for it. I just hope that it all turns out well for you. The way I wished it would work out for me.

  

  And I’m forced into the walk of shame back into my own life. Out of our romanticized vortex, out of the time period when you called me gorgeous. I avoid the judgmental stares, and focus on all of your bad qualities, The way you can’t spell “desirable.” And I think of how different things would be if your  mind was reliable. You know I would still die for you.

  

  There were things I wanted to tell you, but I knew they would hurt you. So I buried them, and let them hurt me instead.

  

  You can’t let yourself fall for the same shit over and over. You can’t allow it to trap you up, and suffocate you until you say what it wants you to say. You can’t allow yourself to say yes and fall into it’s arms. You need to get a grip on yourself because each time you say yes, you know for sure it’s going to end up with tears on your side. You know it’s a constant cycle, and it’s bound to happen again. Seriously, get a fucking grip on yourself and walk away when you still can. Because it’s a monster. It can kill you. Love doesn’t die, but it can kill you.

  

  I believe the most difficult situation you can ever be faced with is deciding whether you should just move on or hold on a little tighter. Move on, and maybe you’ll lose a chance at the best thing that could have ever happened, or hold on, and have the possibility of one day it being the biggest disaster ever created.

  

  You’ve taught me and showed me many things. You’ve taught me I can love, that people can care about me. You showed me the feeling of being in someone’s arms when they mean the world to you. The feeling of compassion. So many wonderful things. Thank you for that. You’ve also showed me that people break promises, that people don’t always hold true to their world. You’ve taught me that you can love someone more than anything in the world, yet hate them just as much. You’ve showed me how bad it hurts to have the guy you love and thought loved you push you away and treat you as if you are worthless. You’ve showed me wonderful things as well as horrible things. I do thank you for both. You’ve now prepared me for the harsh world I am entering. People who say they care, but don’t always. Thank you for teaching me early.

  

  You know, it’s been said that we just don’t recognize the significant moments in our lives while they’re happening. That we grow complacent with ideas or things or people, and we take them for granted, and it’s usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you, that you realize how wrong you’ve been, that you realize how much you really need it, how much you love it.

  

  Whether you know you can be happy with or without him is completely up to you. If you can’t live, love, or breathe without him, go for it. If you can do all of that without him, then that’s something to consider whether taking him and lying to him your whole relationship, or be honest and spare both of you. Take advantage of the time you have and choose what you know is best. Only then will you truly be happy.

  

  It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad about it. It’s okay to miss him, and it’s okay to wish you did something differently. But never blame yourself for how things turned out. Never tell yourself you can’t do better, and never tell yourself this is the end of the road. Fate has a time and place for all of us and nothing you can do or say will change that. Sure, it’s okay to fall, but it’s never okay to stay down.

  

  You are going to lose people in your life. And I realize that no matter how much you spent with them, or how much you appreciated them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough.

  

  I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don’t like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that. Every day there’s something wrong. Just one small thing that can me me unhappy for just a moment. It’s like it”s not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.

  

  We fall in love too often, too easy, and too hard for our own good. We don’t listen to people that we value the opinion the most. We hurt the people we love and we make the same mistake over and over. We want all the privileges of being older, with the advantages of being young. We do things no one can understand, including ourselves. Every minute is exhausting. And every minute is amazing.

  

  There are things you don’t want to happen, but you have to accept. There are things you don’t want to know, but you have to learn. And there are people you can’t live without, but you have to let go.

  

  • 2:59 pm
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