January 2, 2013

• Smile away

  

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  Once you’ve been though hell, you never forget what the flames felt like.

  

  I was wrong. everything in life is painful. there’s no getting out of it. the only way to fight the pain is with more pain, to make the first one seem minor.

  

  My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know I should let go, but I can’t. And every time we fight, I know it’s not right, every time that you’re upset and I smile. I know I should forget, but I can’t.

  

  And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you; somebody else gets what you wanted again. You know it’s all the same, another time and place; repeating history and you’re getting sick of it.

  

  A part of me wants to leave, but a part of me wants to be with you. And every time I think it’s over and done, you make me come back to you; you’ve got me torn between the two.

  

  Next year, I’ll be off to college. High school will finally be over. I won’t get to see him every day like I used to. My best friends and I will go our separate ways, we’ll be lucky if two of us stay in touch. Nothing will be the same, instead, everything will be new. I won’t have a house to come home to every day. No siblings to scream at. Just alone, in a dorm, far away from home. The people I’ve loved for the longest of times will be another memory added to my photo album.

  

  You never think the last time is the last time. You always think there will be more. You think you will have forever. But you don’t.

  

  I think everyone at some point, goes through that one moment where they think “my God, I can’t do this”. But you know what? You can. No matter how close you are to the edge, no matter how badly you feel like giving up, or think it’s best to do so rather than have to put up with the pain – don’t. Don’t lose hope that things will get better. Don’t give up, because there is someone out there who will make you smile in a way no one else ever could. Keep that glimmer of hope alive in your heart, because someone is out there searching for your smile. So wipe your tears and keep your head held high.

  

  Buy a blank notebook. Draw a huge heart on the cover. Don’t write anything negative in here. If you need another outlet, make a separate notebook. This one is all about love, personal growth, and getting back up. Fill it with beautiful images, reaffirming thoughts, and quotes. Write in it every day, and each day write one thing you’re grateful for in your life.

  

  When you were slowly falling down, I was there to catch you. All those dark nights and lonely roads. So listen up when I say have you any time for self evaluation? I suggest you find what you’ve been looking for. I’m so lush and addicted to your laugh, convicted by your smile that holds me back. Did you ever care about, what I cared about? Did you ever care at all?

  

  I think there’s something in your heart you’re running from. You know there’s a girl you have feelings for. You can be mad at me all you want, you can say your heart’s fine. But until you tell this girl how you feel, your heart’s gonna be flawed.

  

  The only two places where I feel absolutely safe are either in a bed with fresh, white sheets and pillows surrounding my head or in water. Like on the bottom of a swimming pool. Alone. Weightless. Peaceful. Nobody talking. Nobody pretending. Just being. Those are only two places. Everywhere else I get smacked in the face with arrogance, ignorance, shallowness. They knock me down and leave me bleeding on the floor.

  

  • 9:22 pm
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