January 4, 2013

• You are special, don’t ever forget that

  

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  Have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? We whisper the words in the dark, telling ourselves that we’re happy, or that he’s happy, that people will change their minds. We persuade ourselves that we can live without the people who have left. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate hope that come morning, it will all be true.

  

  To be nothing but yourself in a world which is doing it’s best, night and day, to make you everyone else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.

  

  You want the truth? Well, here it is. Eventually, you forget it all. First you forget everything you learned – the dates of wars and the Pythagorean Theorem. You especially forget everything you didn’t really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers, and eventually you forget those, too.  You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend’s home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations. Even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who had the most friends. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved. And the ones you actually did. They’re the last to go. And then once you’ve forgotten enough, you love someone else.

  

  I want somebody to sleep with the rest of my life and cuddle up during a movie, on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Get lost in the woods together. Challenge me, challenge him. Talk about dreams, make dreams. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you’re having them. Someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes and not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. A guy who will bring me flowers once in a while, maybe a rock too, or a shell of some sort. Something he saw that made him think of me, made him think, “this might make my girl smile” as he smiles to himself. A guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little enough to hold onto me with everything he’s got.

  

  The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

  

  Sometimes, no matter how much you do, or how much you try, someone will not understand how much you’ve done until you’re gone and they have no one left who actually cares about them, who can look out for them, and who will understand.

  

  Laying under a blanket, cuddling close to you, feeling your breath on my skin, taking every sense that you have within. Your lips touch my shoulder, kissing me so sweet, making my heart skip every other beat. Don’t give up, it’s just beginning. Nice guys always end up winning.

  

  That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.

  

  You love me, too. Not the same way, I know. But he’s not your whole life, either. Not anymore. Maybe he was once, but he left.And now he’s just going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice — me.

  

  People will call me a rebel, but I just feel like I’m living my life, and doing what I want to do. Sometimes people call that rebellion, especially when you’re a woman. A guy knowing what he wants is a leader; a woman knows what she wants, and shes a bitch.

  

  Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.

  

   

  • 7:54 pm
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