January 6, 2013
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Now walk it out
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My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue just to make me feel good. His hugs were always preamble to something else and after he was gone. I wondered if he ever really knew me at all.
I’m putting my walls back up. Never tearing them down again or letting people through. I should have never let you in.
You know, after that day I changed. I am no longer the same person that I was three weeks ago. I am not the same person who believed in fate. I won’t believe in ‘signs’ anymore because they really do not mean anything, no matter how bad you wish or hope they do. As of right now, I don’t believe in love. There is no happily ever after. Not in this world. At least not for me. Not now. Not ever.
I spent so long tearing myself up about everything we ever said and did, that I forget how to live. I’d spend every day in the same old trance, reciting conversations in my head and analysing where I went wrong. Then I saw you again. I looked into your eyes and saw the betrayal, the lies, your ignorance to my pain, and I realised: I really am better off without you.
I just want something beautiful. I wanna look in your eyes. I wanna listen to you sing my favorite song and cry. I wanna reach into your oceans. I wanna calm your sea and your storms. I wanna let you take a hold of this sinking ship and lead me home. I wanna pack up and move with you, and never look behind. I wanna take your hand as we chase down the skyline. I wanna tell you my stories, and wake you up in the middle of the night. I want you to tell me I’m wrong. And I just want you to smile at me when I’m right.
Just because every day I seem like I’m really happy and nothing’s wrong, doesn’t mean I don’t have nights that I just completely break down and cry. It doesn’t mean that nothing’s wrong. It just means that I’ve learned to accept it and be happy about all the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the bad.
We love others for their effect on ourselves, the wild child is going to fall for the one who grounds them, just as they learn how to let themselves be free. The strong one falls for the one that makes them delicate, the weak, for the one that builds them up. We want to be able to make the other person laugh, to make them happy. And we want to be liberated from the role in which society has stereotyped us.
You can’t know how you would behave in a crisis until it drops out of the sky and knocks you down. Stealing your future, robbing you of your dreams and mocking anyhting that resembles certainty. Sudden tragic events and even slow burning disasters teach us more about ourselves than most of us care to know.
I just hope one day you see me, and your heart stops, and you realize what you could’ve had this whole time.
Whatever doesnt kill you will probably try again.
Too bad that people can’t switch problems. Because nobody knows how to solve their own problems, but they always know how to solve another’s.
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