January 7, 2013

• Fall down seven, stand up eight

  

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  If someone wants to talk to you, they’ll make the effort to do so. It’s as simple as that.

  

  You were my life. My world. My everything. You took my heart, put it in a little box labeled fragile for a few months. You then were moving some stuff around, completely looked over the fact the box said fragile, in big black letters, dropped it, walked all over it, completely destroyed it then picked all the little pieces back up, put it in the box, and crossed off fragile and wrote broken.

  

  Things are so crazy lately, I feel unattached to all my feelings. And the sad part is, I’m starting to think it’s a good thing.

  

  I don’t ask for much. All I need to know is that someone will be here, that there is someone in this world I can count on. Is that really so much?

  

  I’ll screw up. I’ll push you away if we’re getting too close. I won’t trust you until you’ve proven yourself. I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally. But I’ll love you with everything I have, and if that isn’t enough, then I’m not enough.

  

  Somewhere out there, there is someone who is meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soulmate. The one you can tell your dreams to, he’ll smile at you when you tell him but, he will never laugh at your heart. He’ll brush the hair out of your eyes & send you flowers when you least expect it. He’ll call you to tell you “goodnight” just before you get into bed, or just because he’s thinking about you. He’ll be bursting to talk to you each morning, just to hear the sound of your voice, he’ll look into your eyes & tell you that you are the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen & for the first time in your life, you’ll actually believe it.

  

  So I stopped watching, I stopped caring. I lost all interest, and I stopped wearing these plastic smiles. I’ll wash my hands clean. I’ll forget that you forgot about me. And I’ll live the life, the big city feeling, cause it’s better than suburban dreaming. Living off the friends that hate you, who talk shit on me. Like I don’t know who my real friends are anymore. No, I don’t know you anymore.

  

  I don’t care about you or the shit that you do. I don’t talk about you nor do I want to. Close your eyes, what do you see? Nothing. Because that’s exactly what you mean to me.

  

  I wasn’t asking for a four page apology letter. I just wanted you to know what you put me through. That’s all.

  

  Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretends it’s still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.

  

  I never knew until that moment, what it was like to lose something I never really had.

  

  You absolutely destroyed me, did you know that? You broke my already broken heart and you made me feel like nobody cares, when the truth is – so many people do. But you know what, I just wanna say thank you. I don’t regret meeting you, but I don’t wish you would magically come back into my life again. Because I believe God gives us someone like this for a reason. Someone who will hurt you a million times, someone who will you leave you and not look back. But this person, they will make you a stronger person in the end. You will come out stronger than ever. And you will be happier without him than you were with him.

  

  I know it’s a bit sudden okay, but yesterday was a great day. And I’m sitting on the bus, and I realize that none of my great days in my life matter without you. You’re the one I want next to me when my dreams come true. You’re the one I want next to me if they don’t. As long as I have you, nothing else matters.

  

  If I’ve learned anything in life, it is that sometimes things get in your path and you have a choice: you can either smash right into them, or you can adjust and move around, but you have to do one or the other in order to move forward.

  

  I have never been strong enough to stay. People say that walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it isn’t. Staying, even when you know it will break your heart, is the hardest thing. Staying right where you are, waiting for your entire world to be ripped into pieces is much harder than walking away and starting a new one.

  

  Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. But that feeling’s a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because all we need is a little music in the world, to remind us that it won’t always be this way.

  

  I don’t want to live the rest of my life thinking about you and dreaming of what might have been if we would have stayed together in spite of the miles that seperate us. I can’t live my life happily knowing you’re with someone else. That would kill a part of me. What we have is rare. It’s too beautiful to just throw it away. I don’t want it to end at all. I can’t force you to stay with me, but no matter what happens in my life, I’ll never forget my time with you.

  

  You tried to twist the words, but you can’t change the facts; he took away your happiness and you want it back.

  

  I know a lot of people who know who he is, but I also know there are not as many who got to see the side of the guy that I did. And that guy, well, I’ll never forget him, never.  I’ve learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these in order to make it through. Besides, no matter what he’s done or not done, he had the biggest impact on me this past year. And I know no matter how many years go by, my stomach will always do a little flip whenever I see that face.

  

  When you’re young, everything feels like the end of the world. But it’s not: it’s just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you’re gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.

  

  But I was already a step ahead. I didn’t trust anyone. Not for directions, not for rides, not for advice either. Sure, it sucked to be lost, but I long ago realized that I preferred it to depending on anyone else to get me where I needed to go. That was the thing about being alone, in theory or in principle: whatever happened – good, bad, or anywhere in between, it was always, if nothing else, your own.

  

   

  • 11:27 pm
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