January 9, 2013

• You always make me smile

  

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  I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream & sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you’re suffering & they’re not, because they can breathe without feeling guilty & hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage.

  

  I need you in my life because knowing you’ll be there tomorrow gives me strength to make it through today.

  

  You ask why I haven’t been talking to you. Well maybe it’s because you’ve slowly been pushing me out of your life. I’m glad you’re finally noticing.

  

  There are some things we just don’t admit becuase we don’t like the way it sounds.

  

  As I stood there alone, I thought of you. And I know it’s much too late because we’re way beyond repair but I want you to know that I was wrong for being angry, and it’s time I admit everything to you. I loved you. And yes, you hurt me, but all those times…it was no-one’s fault but mine. For feeling the way I did knowing that I was in the wrong. And I knew it would come back and bite me in the butt but I ignored it because I was just so happy to be yours. So when it all came undone I fell apart, and when you weren’t there to help me back up I lost it. I lost myself and I’m sorry for falling apart at your expense. I can understand why you were angry but I just need you to see why I was. I hope you understand.

  

  The hardest part of this whole situation is that neither of us knows what’s going on. Neither of us knows what each others thinking and we’re both trying to make decisions based on information we don’t know. I’m scared to tell you my feelings just in case you don’t feel the same way.

  

  To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.

  

  The people who knock down the walls you’ve build up, the people you’ve honestly trusted are the people you will never forget. Because when someone like that leaves, they take a little part of your heart with them. And that hole you now have, well, it just constantly reminds you of the person who made it. And I guess that’s why people who trust so many of the wrong people are so screwed up at the end of it all. Because everyday they feel those empty spots within themselves. And they’re force to think about every thing and every person that left them there.

  

  Some people can just move on, you know. They mourn and cry and then they’re done with it or at least appear to be. But to me, I don’t know. I didn’t want to fix it; I didn’t want to forget it. It wasn’t something that was broken, it was just something that happened. And I’m finding ways, everyday, of working around it. I’m respecting and remembering it, but I’m getting along with my life at the same time.

  

  I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. When you’re hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop, and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just.. You just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear. I need more of those moments.

  

  To me, the best feeling in the world is getting a hug from the boy you care about most. Sure, it’s nothing hot or sexy, but it’s completely adorable and irresistible. You feel so safe, secure and warm and so does your heart. You’re so close, I bet he can feel it beating. He’s got to be a good hugger of course, but then again, why wouldn’t he be?

  

  If you repeat chapters, the ending will remain the same.

  

  • 5:38 pm
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