January 27, 2013

  • You’d never be alone

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    Keep looking up, Mama used to tell me. There’s nothing on the ground but your feet.

    She loves you enough to take your shit.

    I like the honest you. I just wish you didn’t have to be drunk for that side to show.

    I don’t know how to handle this, handle you telling her all the things you used to tell me, like she is one uping me just because I’m not around anymore. Maybe she is prettier than I and has a smile that makes your heart melt warmer than mine did, but to act as if I never existed, I don’t know how to deal with that kind of pain, I’m not strong enough for that.

    Twenty years from now, I’m going to look back and remember and that there was that one person who could turnevery frown into a smile in a few simple words. The person who lifted my head when I was losing faith in myself. The person who carried tears on his shoulders after every fight, every break up, every death. The person who always knew what I was feeling by the look on my face. The one who accepted who I was when everyone else laughed in my face. The person that accepted every decision I made, believing that I’d make the right decision. The one guy who knew who I really was. The one that made the biggest difference in my life. The guy who was my strength through hard times. My best friend.

    People don’t stay in your life forever. Maybe he came in, you loved him, you learned from him, and now there’s nothing more for him to teach you. Maybe your time with him is done. Maybe it’s really time to just let him go. If he has more to teach you, he’ll end up coming back. When you feel like talking to him, look up a new word that describes him in an asshole-ish manner. Keep a list.

    I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. We spend too much time overanalyzing, overthinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed, and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.

    Because you can never go from going out to being friends, just like that. It’s a lie. It’s just something that people say they’ll do to take the permanence out of a breakup. And someone always takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said ‘friendly’ relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship. And it’s like breaking up all over again but messier.

    I’m afraid of not having enough time, not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or even to be understood myself. I’m afraid of quick judgments and mistakes that everybody makes - you can’t fix them without time.

    Even if he wanted to be back with you, he wouldn’t tell you. You’re soon gonna realize he doesn’t care about you anymore and he won’t be the first person you call when you’re upset. He won’t be the one to put the smile back on your face. And yeah, it’s gonna hurt; it’s gonna hurt a lot. But you know what your gonna do? You’re gonna hold your head up. You’re gonna show him you’re better than him and you don’t need him in your life. You’re gonna prove to him that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting you go that you never really needed him anyways.

    Don’t worry, he’ll miss you. You’re the best he could he get, and he blew it. Don’t let him make you think of one second that this was your fault. It’s not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart, and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but couldn’t. And honestly, he’s not mature enough. He’s not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you every spare second he could. But he didn’t and now he’s gone. But don’t you cry. Don’t call him telling him you miss him. Don’t IM him, don’t message him, don’t comment him, don’t talk to him in the hallways.

    You have come into my life through a door I was afraid would never be opened again, for many have slammed it on their way out. So please feel free to stay as long as you’d like. But should the time come that you must leave – please, close the door gently as you go.

    Gravity is the only thing that could pull you down, the rest is in your hands.

    Maybe it’s best to just wait and see.

    I won’t fight to stay when all you want for me to do is leave. I’m not going to miss you when you don’t miss me. I’m not going to care when you don’t at all. I’m just not going to try anymore. You’ve kept my hopes up for much too long; it’s about time they come crashing back down to earth. It’s time I start thinking about myself again and not you. It’s time I be strong. It’s time I let you go. It’s about time I be happy. It’s about time I leave you alone.

    You’re a rational human being. You can determine when someone deserves a second chance. But when it’s a second chance with your feelings, it’s tough to stay objective. How many times have we said, “never again,” only to return to someone that’s hurt us in the past because they’re comfortable. I think we need to remember that, odds are, this time won’t be different. This person doesn’t get another shot at breaking your heart. Don’t be fooled twice.

    And that’s when I knew I’d said something ugly, something final. Words I couldn’t take back, regardless of how much I wanted too. There was no white out for this.

    You can have the guts and the courtesy to tell a woman to her face that you no longer want to see her. Call me crazy, but I think you can make a point of ending your relationship in a manner that does not include an e-mail, a doorman, or a missing persons report. I think you could all get over your fear of looking like the bad guy and actually have the uncomfortable break-up conversation because guess what, avoiding that conversation is what makes you the bad guy.

    Don’t waste your youth growing up.

    We lose people we love because they are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stupid to let go.

    But what’s real? You can’t find the truth so you can pick the lie you like best.

    When you’re thinking about how much you miss me, and I’m completely fine, remember how I felt, and remind yourself this is what you wanted. Because with every day coming and going, I’m learning how to be okay without you. And i can’t wait for the day when i get to look at you and feel absolutely nothing.

    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, and honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring: all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

    What they say is, “life goes on” and that is mostly true. The mail is delivered, and the Christmas lights go up and down from the houses, and the ladders get put away, and you open yet another box of cereal. In time, the volume of my feelings would be turned down in gentle increments to near quiet, and yet the record would still spin, always spin.

    I believe that we are all heroes, if you catch us at the right moment.

    To put it simply, I want to be someone’s everything.

    Worry less, smile more.

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