February 2, 2013

  • You are stunning

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    People say hell is endless. They say it’s our worst nightmare, the face of our darkness. But whatever it is, however it is, I say hell is empty, and all the devils are here.

    Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.

    Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of us. And what happened between us. Or, really, what never happened between us.

    It’s my goal to be the one person you always have, to be the one person you can always count on.  The one person who can always make you laugh even when you think that you will never smile again.

    The minute you start enjoying yourself and the person who you’ve become, when you walk into a room with your head held high, the minute you wake up and are glad to be you, the possibilities and opportunities will come knocking at your door.

    If there’s one thing I could take away from my previous relationships it would be to search for a beautiful heart, not necessarily a beautiful face. Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than an intelligent, hard-working, independent, respectful man. It’s hard to say you deserve better when you, ladies, are in control of what you deserve.

    It’s been a month since we’ve actually had a real conversation. It’s been weeks since you last called. It’s been days since I’ve seen your face. What we had seems like it’s been forgotten & replaced. It seems like it was a one time deal, like I only had one chance with you, and that once chance has been screwed up. I didn’t mean to.. I let you go, I’ll admit that. But I thought you’d care enough to come back. You always made me smile, but a smile isn’t forever.

    For the rest of my life, I will always wonder why things seemed to be so unfair. I will always want to know what I did to deserve what happened to me. I will always wake up thinking everythings okay, later on realizing that it isn’t, and that it most likely never will be. I will cry about it, and I will be angry. I will always have problems trusting people. I’ll never think that anything will last. Friendships, and relationships.. all of them just seem doomed. But I still try. For the rest of my life, I will try.

    I can’t be the reason you don’t progress anymore. We can’t grow together if you never grow alone. I can’t be your leg to stand on if you can’t manage. It’s not in me. I can hardly handle myself.

    It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

    Society makes you think you’re ugly, when you’re beautiful. You think it’s your fault, but it’s not. You think you need to change yourself, but you don’t. You think you’re not worth it, but you are.

    If a guy isn’t trying his best to have you, then, probably, he isn’t the best for you.

    You think I’m full of myself? Why? Because I stand up for myself when someone makes a comment? Because I’m not ashamed of what my body looks like? Because I’ve finally realized that it doesn’t matter if I’m not the prettiest girl around, what matters is that I’m confident as who I am? Well if that makes me full of myself, then I’m perfectly content with that. For the most part, I like me just that way I am.

    You say that you don’t need him, but I can see it in your eyes that you want him and I can tell by the look on your face that you still care. I know that somewhere in your heart… you wish he were there.

    I can’t promise you perfection, because that’s not who I am. I can’t promise you forever, because I don’t hold fate within my hands. I can’t promise you sunshine, because I know there will be rain. I can’t promise you complete happiness, cause with true love there comes pain. I can’t promise to always smile, because life has a way to make me cry. I can’t promise to always stand strong, because it’s never easy to want to give life another try.

    You’re leaving because it is easier to walk away than to fight for what you really want.

    And you taught me what this feels like. And then how it feels to lose it. And you showed me who I wanted. And then who I wasn’t. And you ticked every box. And then drew a line. And you weren’t mine to begin with. And then not to end with. And you looked like everything I wanted. And then became something I hated. And you get thought of every day. And then not in a good way. And you let me leave. And then wish I’d stayed. And you almost killed me. But I didn’t die.

    It’s funny how easily we get attached to someone we’ve known for a short time. It’s even funnier to feel hurt when that someone starts to value you less than he used to. And you can’t even complain about it, since you’re just attached. Not committed.

    The essence of life is not being perfect, impressing people, or succeeding at everything. The essence of life is simply making mistakes and learning from them, surrounding yourself with people that love you when you’re being yourself, and getting through the failures so that you can continue improving.

    And it don’t do me any good to remember you.

    I want things to be more than okay. For you to say what you mean and mean it. I want this tension, this awkwardness to be gone. I don’t want you, that ship sailed. I just want something other than this.

    I said a lot of crazy things the other night, and I’m sorry about that. I haven’t been a good friend to you and I’m sorry. The truth is, I’m afraid to be your friend because I’m always going to want more. But then I got to thinking, I’d rather have you in my life as a friend, then not at all. I always have.

    I’ve figured out a way to twist reality. Just take a ton of drugs and never go to sleep and re-rent the saddest movie that you’ve ever seen. Push all your friends away with the cruel things that you say and if you need company, you’ve got the voices in your head.

    Yeah, I get it. I’m not like most girls. I’m myself around you. I don’t need to flirt with you every minute to try to get your attention. You actually know me. I’ve actually been there for you when you needed me to listen to your problems. I was always there to tell you I care. And maybe that’s what scares you? I actually care about you, even when you think no one does.

    The main reason that two people stay together is because they both offer each other something that no one else can give to them.

    Life is a roller coaster, a never ending cycle. Every person is unique & beautiful in their own way. Each individual has a beauty that’s unexpressed. Beauty is within. You love a person for how they make you feel, for their courage & compassion. I believe we always go back to the people that were there in the beginning. You create so much of a history with certain people, they become a part of you, they’re always in your heart.

    Here’s to all my girls, be proud of who you are. it didn’t take no man to get you this far.

    I’m not sorry if things aren’t the same, but sleepless nights are hardly worth the cheapness of your game. And if you know what I mean then live for yourself, because life is too short to waste it on somebody else. There was a time, and I swear that I cared, but I got burned, and now I walk with this fist in the air. I should have known all along. Don’t talk to me, I’m as deaf as I am blind. Thanks for making me cheap, and thanks for the wasted time.

    Life changes every minute of every day. You gain friends. You lose friends. You realize your friend wasn’t ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realize that all along, you’ve been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn’t done that. You learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have your downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You look at others and wish you were them. You then realize who they are and glad that you’re you. You love life. You hate life. In the end, you just find yourself happy to be living laugh, no matter what’s thrown at you.

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