April 16, 2013

• You are the best thing that’s ever been mine

  

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  People will always look for reasons to bring you down. But when you remain standing, that’s what shows your true strength.

  

  You can’t waste time over missing something in the past. Life changes, people grow up and grow apart, and you accept that. Yet you still can’t stop thinking of how good it used to be; afraid you’ll never experience it again, afraid you’ve already lived it and already lost it.

  

  I like the part of you that isn’t afraid to say how you feel. I like the part of you that doesn’t care what other people think about you. The part of you that keeps me coming back for more. The part of you that isn’t completely predictable, but yet still spontaneous at the same exact moment. I want the part of you that is willing to work things out, no matter how bad things get.

  

  Sometimes in life, all that you can do is bury your head in your pillow and listen to the music.

  

  You never think the last time is the last time. You always think there will be more. You think you will have forever. But you don’t.

  

   I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change, but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How can you let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without? How even though you know something is best for you, it hurts just the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.

  

  I’m never letting this one go because, often, certain people enter our lives at the most peculiar times for the most beautiful reasons. They seem to make the most perfect impressions while leaving us behind an everlasting impact. Some of the best things in life appear when you least expect them, things you can never forget.

  

  The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you places you shouldn’t be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that’s not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, and you go into the unknown. And once you do, you can never go back.

  

  I just hope one day you see me, and your heart stops, and you realize what you could’ve had this whole time.

  

  You know what you want, you’re just afraid to admit it because you’re afraid of failing. Screw that. Screw your fear. You know what you want, which is a hell of a lot more than most other people. So don’t be afraid or ashamed. Just go on and get it.

  

  Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t you know where you stand.

  

  I swear to you I’ll try my best. I won’t let you fall. I won’t let another gosh damn tear run down your face. You’re everything, and I need you to see that. I’m sorry I haven’t treated you well in the past. I’m sorry I gave up on you. I’m here now, and I’m not going to sit back and watch you lose yourself this time. I promise you that.

  

  Everyone has a certain part in their lives where they truly wish they could just freeze time. Whether it was three years ago, today, or still to come. Whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer. Everyone has a time in their life when they wish everything would just stop. The world would stop turning and people would stop changing because to them, at that time, everything was perfect.

  

  And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

  

  Try to overcome your doubt. Believe you are beautiful. Look at yourself through someone else’s eyes. Believe that someone out there will find you, and kiss your skin until you can feel it blister with heat. Believe in something bigger than your problems, and you will be saved.

  

  Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do, but holding it all together when everyone expects you to crumble, that’s true strength.

  

  I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first, you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn’t ever care. You live and you learn, that’s how it is.

  

  We all want things to change, but once they do, we wonder why things can’t go back to the way they were.

  

  It’s not supposed to be perfect, and no one is supposed to understand it. It’s meant to be chaotic, and it’s meant to make you cringe. If you haven’t cried in a while, or felt like shit in even longer, then you’re most likely doing something wrong. This isn’t here for constant perfection, or some cliché happy ending. It’s here to be real, and to keep your heart beating, and to keep you wanting more. There is supposed to be a bright light of hope in your heart, and a black hole of the unknown in your mind. None of this makes sense, but it’s all worth it.

  

  I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, and when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away, and the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble. I mean if there is you have to make it. I just think life is more than a series of moments, we can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that’s what makes us who we are and those are the real memories.

  

  I’ve gotta stop doing this to myself. There must be reasons behind why he’s acting this way, but honestly, I’m not sure if it’s worth it to find out. I don’t know if it’s worth opening myself up again, letting him in, just to see what’s been there all along. Honestly, I’m scared to death of what I’ll find. I’m scared of rejection and maybe, just maybe, I’m scared of what we could be.

  

  There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

  

  Let’s just be honest. I’m not leaving for some new perspective or to get a new start. I’m leaving because I can’t look at you anymore without my heart breaking.

  

  Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever.

  

  It’s getting so hard to be around you. Because every time I see you, I see a stranger. You’ve changed, and I just miss the person you used to be. The one that cared, the one that wouldn’t ever hurt me, not if they could help it. But now, now all you care about is yourself. Maybe you never did care in the first place, I’m not sure. All I know is the person I loved so much is no longer there. Nothing is left of you. Everything’s changed, and I miss the person you used to be.

  

  What’s worse than wanting something you can’t have? It’s not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in; someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be – in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.

  

  Instead of sitting here wondering if we’ll ever have what we did before again, I’ll restart my life. I’ll act like you were no part of it. I won’t come to school everyday sad and depressed because I miss you. I’ll get over it and smile. Smile because maybe, just maybe it’ll feel like you didn’t hurt me at all. That those days I came to school sad and depressed wasn’t because of you. I guess it’s true, the best revenge is to just smile and act like what you did didn’t hurt me at all. Smile and act like I don’t still like you and I’m fine with you being with other people. It’s going to be hard, but I’ll do it anyways. Not just for you, but for me too. I just hope that when I find someone, it hurts you at least half as much as it hurt me.

  

  There are just certain things in life that are better off unknown. things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt.

  

   

  • 7:42 pm
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