May 8, 2013

• Say what you feel

  

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  I’m not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thick I’m surprised you haven’t seen right through me. I’m the girl of your dreams disguised as your best friend.

  

  This all started out as butterflies, but I can feel its going to end with a sharp pain.

  

  Suddenly for no earthly reason I felt immensely sorry for him and longed to say something real, something with wings and a heart, but the birds I wanted settled on my shoulders and head only later when I was alone and not in need of words.

  

  There will never be a quote that explains how much you mean to me. Never a song that truly hit’s the spot. Not enough words to tell you how I feel. And not enough time to show how long I wanna be with you.

  

  I’ve been a lot of things but never yours.

  

  The longer you hide your feelings for someone. The more you fall for them.

  

  Don’t sit there and watch her love someone else. Stop sitting in your room feeling sorry for yourself. One day you’re going to look back and regret not telling her how you feel. Even if telling her fucks things up, at least one day she’ll realize how you were always there for her, when everyone else only pretended to be.

  

  Life is all about finding out who you really are. First of all, know that you’re not alone. I don’t think there’s a person on this planet who has not, at one point or another, worn a mask to protect who they really are from a potentially difficult experience. The pressure of believing you’re the only one with this problem is half of what makes it seem so impossible to fix. The second step is figuring out what you’re so afraid of by revealing who you really are. It isn’t that you’re wearing a mask all the time, its that you’re putting it on in attempt to keep your therapist out. What you need to understand is that by letting that person in, they can get to the core of whatever else is bothering you. Just be straight up. Its hard, but once you break through that wall, the pressure you feel inside will lift, and you’ll probably cry out every single one of those tears ’til all you can do is laugh to make up for it. That’s when you know you’ve done it. Be real, because a mask only fools people on the outside. Pretending to be someone you’re not takes a toll on the real you, and the real you is more important than anyone else.

  

  I’ve learned so much about life and emotion from knowing him and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Your heart needs to go through some bumps like these in order to make it through. Besides, no matter what he’s done or not done, he had the biggest impact on me this past year. And I know no matter how many years go by, my stomach will always do a little flip whenever I see that face.

  

  I miss you when something really good happens, because you’re the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you’re the only one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you’re the one who makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear.

  

  I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can’t see from the center.

  

  I’ve now decided that I’m not going to tell you how I feel ever again. Because if I tell you, it will make me hope for a good response, when in reality, you don’t care about me, and you haven’t for a while, so you won’t reply at all. That breaks my heart, but if I have to act like I don’t care about you as much as I do, I’ll do it. Anything to get over the fact that I can’t have you.

  

  Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.

  

  I’m starting to think there’s what they call a common misconception when it comes to getting a man. Movies, music, television, they all tell you to do things like act uninterested, or play hard to get. Beautiful, talented, and successful women everywhere are pretending to be someone their not in order to get the man of their dreams, whoever he may be. If you want him, if you want him more than anything, do whatever it takes to make it happen. Act interested! Show him all you’re flaws, he might think they are beautiful. Be confident, stand in the light, where he can see you’re beautiful smile.

  

  Everybody has difficult years, but a lot of times those difficult years end up being the greatest years of your life, if you survive them.

  

  What you do with your life is just one-half of the equation. More importantly, it’s who you’re with when you’re doing it.

  

  You must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go, and why you want to get there.

  

  I’m not wishing for an instant happily ever after. I’m just hoping for real and sincere love that will make me believe that somehow, after everything, forever still exists.

  

  I guess a big part of growing up is dealing with regret. Swallowing your pride. There are some things in life you can’t go back and change, no matter how much you want to. I think that day I was finally forced to grow up, to leave the past behind, for one final time.

  

  I am strong because I am weak. I am beautiful because I know my flaws. I am a lover because I’m a fighter. I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish and I can laugh because I’ve known sadness.

  

  • 6:30 pm
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