May 23, 2013

• I’ve missed this

  

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  I’m sorry if all I’ve ever known is hurt. I’m sorry for being on your back all the time, but I can’t let you end up hurting me like him. I’d rather be overly cautious than drop my guard for one second. Until you prove to me that this is something I can believe in, I won’t trust you with my heart.

  

  Sometimes you have to give up on people. Everyone that is in your journey is meant to be in your journey, but not everyone is meant to stay there.

  

  I’m starting to get a little freaked out, but I’m not gonna break. It’s not because I don’t care, because I do care what you think about me, I do. Care. I just can’t tell you want you want to hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just because you can’t say something doesn’t mean you don’t want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. And you can love somebody and not want to be with them. You don’t need to love someone to want them. Now that’s frustrating, when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don’t match up. It’s exhausting. And, well, it’s complicated. But that’s life. And life… sucks.

  

  It’s those moments when you hang around in a room full of friends, where you gasp for breath between each laugh. It’s those moments where you get high off just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold. For a second, that split second, you don’t care. You don’t care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. ‘Cause it’s all we really need, isn’t it? Those kids next to you. Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.

  

  Why can’t you just love me back?

  

  I’ve ruined many relationships by overthinking too much. I think it may be all these guys’ faults.. but really, it’s just me. I think I deserve the worst & I usually end up making it that way. Guys will run away from me because I’m just too hurt for them to handle.

  

  I don’t know what to say anymore. My mind runs blank every time I open up the page where I used to spill my heart. I used to have so much to say, now I can barely write a sentence. It’s you. You have the affect on me. You walked into my life, and I can’t find a place for you just yet. I’m lost for words, yet my heart is screaming with the things I want to say to you.

  

  When I was a kid, most of the advice that my dad gave me was crap. But there’s one thing he said that was pure genius… he said, if you’re ever with a girl that’s too good for you, marry her.

  

  You never think the last time is the last time. You always think there will be more. You think you will have forever. But you don’t.

  

  I won’t miss you because I deserve better. Why would I miss someone who never gave a damn about me to begin with?

  

  There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

  

  You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love.

  

  You know, maybe we’re just not right for each other. We waited so long. We’ve been waiting, and yet the one chance we get- we don’t take. It’s right at our fingertips; it’s right in our grasp, but we don’t grab it. I don’t know what you want from me. I know we love each other, but maybe this isn’t gonna work. Maybe what we need is to just be friends… because this right now- this hurts me. I can’t walk around knowing how I feel about you and knowing how you feel about me… and yet not be together. Don’t break my heart. Let’s just let it go; maybe that’s what’s meant to happen.

  

  Before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really. I had seen what love could do to people, and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and you knew me. You saw me, and it was this thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So, I get it now. I finally get love, I really do.

  

  I’m not that outgoing around people I know. I won’t fuck anyone. I don’t do drugs. I won’t do anything I don’t wanna do. I’m sorry guys just can’t accept that, but I’d rather be difficult than easy. I’d rather have you crack all the secrets to my brain than letting all my feelings spill out of my mouth along with my dignity.

  

  Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not – won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

  

   

  I’ve let myself hurt for far too long. I’ve wallowed in self-pity for over a year now & what has it done for me? Nothing. I’m still alone. He never came back. I didn’t find a new guy who was just so amazing & sweet & made me forget everything that happened. I’m still hurt because I still try to convince myself that I don’t care. I’ve moved on, but until I find someone else to replace you, I will still be hurt.

  

  Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

  

  I want everyone to understand this. I’m not who I say I am. I’ve done things you never thought I’d do, I’ve lied countless times, I’ve hurt many people, I’ve been hurt more than you think. You might think I’m something & I’ll go the next day & prove you completely wrong; don’t judge me. Don’t think I’m always so happy & bubbly just because I act like I am; I have my gloomier days too. Some days, I don’t want to hang out with anyone. I don’t want to get drunk all the time. Most of the time, I just want to sleep. I don’t really believe in anything anymore, especially love. Guys don’t always want me. Girls don’t always think I’m worth even talking about. Music isn’t my life, but it’s important. I’m actually proud of being smart. People won’t accept me for how I am. I’m not changing anymore, not for anyone. But you know what? I’m okay. Most people don’t understand me at all, & that’s okay. I’m okay.

  

  Optimism works in 90 percent of my life, but there is a window where you have to accept that certain thing are not fixable and no matter how hard you try, and want it to work – sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

  

  I’ve finally decided that I refuse to be your second choice. I doubt the other girls are giving as much/more than i am. I know I’m risking everything here and you don’t care. But that’s the way it is with every guy. You risk getting your heart broken, embarrassment, losing friends, and being lied to. If you don’t show me at least a little hope, I’m done. I honestly don’t think you’re trying. So why should I?

  

  But mostly, I cried because my life had been going full speed for so long and now it had just stopped, like running right into a big brick wall, knocking the wind and the fight right out of me. And I didn’t know if I ever even wanted to get up and start breathing again.

  

  Here’s a toast. To the good days, the better friends. The ones that you just can’t live without. The people that have taught you how to party. How to live. How to have a good time just sitting around. Here are to the people that no matter how bad things seem, are going to be there for you. To lean back on and catch you if you fall.

  

  I used to be so strong, I used to be able to do whatever I want, and then I feel like I’ve been broken down little by little. I don’t know what to do. I can’t have him talk to me like this anymore. I just want to be with someone who loves me so much. Okay, whatever, I do think I deserve to be a princess, I think that every girl deserves to be treated like a princess. But you don’t treat me like crap. That’s not okay, that’s not an excuse. Like, I know what I have to do and I know what I want to do, but why can’t get I get there? I just don’t know what to do.

  

  Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. And you can be anything. You can be everything. Do not hate everyone because someone broke your heart, or because your parents split up, or your best friend betrayed you, your father hit you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot control. Cry when you need to, then let go when it’s time. Don’t hand onto painful memories just because you’re afraid to forget. Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren’t worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do this over and over until you what it really is to love someone. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Meet new people. Make someone’s day. Follow your dreams. Live your life to it’s full potential. Just live, dammit. Let go of all of the horrible in your life and fucking live. And one day, when you’re old, look back with no regrets.

  

  • 2:32 pm
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