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You are replaceable. And it bothers you because I am not. You aren't going to find another me. You can try, but those girls won't compare. You need me. But I don't need you. I don't think I ever really did.
I'm just fed up of living every day so unhappy. Every day, I can't wait until it gets to the end so I can go to bed and sleep again. But then, when I wake up all I do is look forward to when I can go back to sleep again. That's not how it should be.
Now that I'm older, I realize that I'm not as happy as I used to be. Friends have come and gone, promises have been broken, mistakes made. We can't wait to grow up, but I really want to rewind a couple years and freeze. I don't want to graduate. I don't want this to exist as a memory. I want to wake up and experience it every day.
Isn't it sad when you have been hurt so much that you can say, "I'm used to it."
The truth? I tried as hard as I could. I took as much as I could take. I put up with all I could. And it still wasn't enough.
There are so many people reading these words now that if you put your hand against the screen, I can promise you, no matter what time it is, no matter where you are, someone who feels the same is doing it, too.
I know you're scared. Don't be. The world is really beautiful.
I consider getting lost learning how to find my way.
I have strict rules about thinking about you. I can't - ever. I can't think of your name, or how you look when you're happy, or the sound of your laugh. I can't do it. Because when I do, I fall apart.
You don't realize how many things remind you of a person, until they become someone you no longer wish to remember.
You do what you love, and fuck the rest.
At one point in your life, the person you have loved most will, unexpectedly, turn out to be the greatest stranger you have ever met.
I suffer in silence. I don't cry in front of people. I can smile despite how shitty things are. I will always put you before me. I leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It's because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. What can I say, I'm just a screw up with a good heart.
You have to understand, it's hard for me to see you grow up and act like the teenager that I was. I'm not a good example, and please don't try to make the same mistakes I did. I had a terrible time growing up, and learning the life lessons that no one should have to go through. I just want you to be safe, and not have to go through the jokes, the evil glares and such. I want you to be a normal teenager. That's it.
I didn't change. I'm still the girl who sits around and laughs at dumb things and walks with the biggest smile on her face. You're just mad because frankly, I just got tired of the bullshit and don't give a damn anymore. You're just mad because I'm not sitting at home on a Friday night wondering where you are, or who you're with. Sweetie, you're just mad I moved on.
It's a weird feeling when you cross another day off the calendar and you notice that more than a year and a half has gone by. People have moved on, but you haven't. Instead, you let the memories fling themselves at you like stones, stick to you like bitter sweet honey, and you hide from the rest of the world in your blanket of warm feelings from a past life.
I love that moment. When you're on a long car ride, or listening to music, or reading. And you completely zone out. You forget your troubles, and everyone around you. You're focused on that one thing, and that one thing only. You're content, and everything seems peaceful.
I don't think that you understand, like really comprehend this. I'm not over exaggerating, I'm not saying it just to say it, and I sure as hell am not lying. There isn't anyone else who has a chance right now because all I want is you. But I guess when I really think about it, it always comes down to me and you. You have my whole heart. For better or for worse you are the one I have feelings for. And no other person could even measure up.
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
I'm a very independent girl and some people think I'm weird because of it, but that doesn't bother me. Just because I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in when everyone else is sitting down, that's no reason to follow the crowd - because maybe, just maybe, I'll make someone's life better because I wasn't afraid.
I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody's going to come and save you, you've got to save yourself. Nobody's going to give you anything. You've got to go out and fight for it. Nobody knows what you want except for you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. So don't give up on your dreams.