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Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've began to fear more than that, is letting the moment pass with saying anything. I think you deserve to look back on your life without this chorus of resounding voices saying, I could of but it's too late now.
I know you did it on purpose, and that's why I didn't understand up into now. I thought I meant something to you. I didn't think you were playing with me. I thought you were different this time, but lately all you've done is play mind games, screw me over, and make me so damn frustrated. I don't know why I fell for you, but baby I assure you I did. You're all I think about when I'm suppose to be paying attention in class. You're the one I want to be texting constantly. You're the one I think when I read all these love quotes, and listen to Taylor Swift songs. It's only you. I just thought you were better than that. I guess I thought you wouldn't be the kind to play games with me.. but I guess I was wrong, again.
You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had met the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done But, you left me. You chose her. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
One thing I don't understand is why so many people expect me to be miserable just so they can be happy. I have done that my whole life, doing everything I hate doing just so someone else can be satisfied. Isn't it about time that it's my turn to be happy?
But then I realized that I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we can wish they wouldn't all day long, but that never works.
Some days, I get such a sick feeling. Everything about my life seems so empty, so meaningless. Each minute holds something familiar, something I saw yesterday and the days before. Every second seems to drag on and my hearts feels so lonely. I feel so bored with my life and everything in it. And then other days, everything feels so great. The sky sings pretty songs of love and I can't help but smile. Everything I encounter gives me that same feeling of the warm sun on my skin after you've been cold for so long. I have hope and everything is bright, and new, and so, lovely.
I enjoy the simple things in life, like going out to lunch with my mom and drinking my Starbucks coffee. I love grocery shopping and buying trashy magazines at the checkout. I don’t want to get involved with someone who can hurt me. I don’t want to care about someone. I don’t want to have to worry; to hurt. I just want to keep enjoying the simple things in life. I know that is no way to live, but right now that’s the best I got, because being hurt is no way to live either.
I don't understand how you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without. How pictures can never change but the people in them do. How forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get back. How even though you know something is the best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out.
I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that I've moved on, when the truth is that whenever I see you, I'm flooded with everything that we lost. Everything we could've had. Everything we should've had. What we had, it was real. I just know it, it felt real. We both felt it, I just know it. There aren't any words to describe the relationship we had. We never dated but we both knew that we loved each other. I don't know what happened between us and that is what still tears me apart inside.
I can't say I'm proud of my life, but I can say I'm proud of what I've learned. I've learned that I can't rely on everyone, but I can't expect everyone to hurt me either. I know some things don't work out, but I know everything has been for the better. I can't guarantee I'll be able to walk around with a smile. But I know where I've been and where I'm going. I know who I am and who my friends are. I've had some tough situations thrown at me. but I've gotten through them. I'm not one to complain, so I'll keep trying. And in the end, I'll know I did my best.
It's crazy how easy we make judgements of each other, and how quickly we assume that we know what people are all about. Well, I guarantee that if you make the initiative to really get to know someone, you will be surprised at what you might find.
It's the oldest story in the world. One day, you're 17 and you're planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And then this is your life.
I understand the impulse. The impulse to want to put out your hand and want someone to be there at the end of your reach. To want someone to be close to. To want to kiss or touch, even if it's wrong. The point is, you can't control these feelings. Even if they're wrong, they're still there.
I wanted people to trust me, despite anything they've heard. And more than that, I wanted them to know me. Not the stuff they though they knew about me. No, the real me. I wanted to get past the rumors. To see beyond the relationship I once had.
You can be happy tomorrow. You can be happy when you get through your list of things to do. You can be happy when you meet the one. You can be happy when you get the right job. You can be happy when you get that raise. You can be happy when you stop buying things you need and start buying the things you want. You can be happy when you retire. You can be happy when the weather suits you. You can be happy on plan. You can be happy in the rain. Or you can stop reading this, take a deep breath, and be happy right now.
For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live the life you're proud of and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
Sometimes you need to be alone. Sometimes you just don't want to be comforted because you need the chance to take it in. All that has been, all the pain left behind. The best cure is time on your own to analyze time to pull yourself together again, and time to see that all you ever wanted is now nothing but a fading memory. Time to let it go and time to start again.