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As long as we're alive, it's nothing more than a bad day.
The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only tangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles, wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.
Sometimes late at night I think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves all over the world. If I could live on sunlight and the city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if I will ever truly understand anything… and if there’s really anything to understand at all.
Write me something beautiful. Tell me that you'll always love me. Sing me that song that reminds you of me. Hold my hand like you do when you're being protective. Smile down at me, then glance away to laugh at something I said, and then turn your attention straight back to me, your eyes penetrating through mine. Ah yes, that feeling is so overwhelming that I get shivers just thinking about it. Hug me as if you're scared I'll let go and never come back. Kiss me as if there is no tomorrow. I love how you use that reasoning every time, just so it can last longer. Give me that look in your eye when you're ready to compete with someone. We both know that anyone smart enough shouldn't even bother asking for a fight. I love how you so shyly size yourself up to others. Please, do not stop. You're so confident. You've let me in on secrets that you have never told anyone else. Let me hold you while you cry. There is nothing wrong with sensitivity, my dear, and please stop denying that just because you are a man. I'm the only one who has ever seen you shed a tear. It's nourishing for one to let emotions out. You said I am the only one, so let me be there. I'm sorry if I sound ever so selfish, but I just need to know that this is true. That this is real. I need to keep proving to myself that my heart isn't playing games with me. You have done everything that one human could never achieve, well, at least that's what we tell each other. I believe you. You trust me. That's the balance we need.
My goal is not to wake up at age 40 with the bitter realization that I have wasted my life on a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.
We learn to deal with things our own way. A lot of the time people want to help, but when they try to, it just makes the whole thing more upsetting cause then you realize you can't be helped. Maybe you're trapped in this mess, and all you need to do is just take a step away from the situation, and look at it from the outside in, and realize, 'Hey, this is my life - take it or leave it.'
Without the people you love most, you can't help but feel alone in the world.
The only dream worth having is to dream that you will live while you are alive, and die only when you are dead. To love, to be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and vulgar disparity of the life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.
What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can't decipher. What we can't understand we call nonense. What we can't read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables. There is only the inevitable.
Some things don't last forever, but some things do. Like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.
We will always want something more than what we've got. But face it, whatever happens, happens. And whatever we are given, we need to hold onto that with all of our might. Because that's it. That's what we were given, what we've been trusted in to keep, to treasure, to take care of and to love with all of our hearts. We need to appreciate every little thing we've got because, well, it's all we've got. It's okay to dream, but first you need to treasure reality in all its beauty.
Who determines when the old ends and the new begins? It's not on the calendar; its not a birthday, or a new year, it's usually an event - big or small, a time or place that changes us, ideally gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, a way to let go of old habits, and to remember old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing that we can have a new beginning, but also to remember amid all the problems there are a few things really worth holding on to.
The mind may have forgotten, but the body remembers everything — in the melody of a song, in a rip of a dress, in a taste stuck at the tip of your tongue, in the freckled constellation splattered across your light skin, in a look not meant to be a look, in the movement of their hips against yours, in a graze between nervous hands, in the loud beat of your beating heart. In one moment, the body remembers everything so vividly, so wildly, as if it were experiencing it the first time and the last time combined — an explosion of sorts that will never seem to leave with time. These things have become pieces of us, that have found a way stay forever, as much as we deny it ever happened. But the reality is that it was never a figment — in fact, it was our realest dream somehow brought to life.
For what it's worth, it's never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it, and I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
Strange how a single conversation can change you. Or maybe it only seems that way in retrospect. A year passes and you know you feel differently, but you’re not sure what or why or how, so your mind casts back for something that might give that difference shape: a word, a glance, a touch.
Take some time and learn to breathe and remember what it means to feel alive and to believe something more than what you see.
Beautiful things come out of horrible situations. I know for a fact. Out of sadness you get a new found wisdom on how the world can look with a haze of gray clouds, how people can be senseless, how you can see the whole universe in a whole new way. And that may be hard to handle, hard to cope, hard to accept, but it is so damn beautiful if you really take the chance to realize. Out of anger, you can feel your heart beat race, with every beat it is shaking your whole being and not only the heavy steps you take. It is when you, your whole self and some power is telling you that you are alive. And that is amazing in every angle. Out of anything there is something in there that makes it incredible. Something that makes it shine. Whatever you feel is potent and it is such a blessing to be able to feel what you feel. You just have to think about it.
I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse.