July 13, 2013

• Dance with me tonight

  

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  The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself.

  

  Some days, I get such a sick feeling. Everything about my life seems so empty, so meaningless. Each minute holds something familiar, something I saw yesterday and the days before. Every second seems to drag on and my hearts feels so lonely. I feel so bored with my life and everything in it. And then other days, everything feels so great. The sky sings pretty songs of love and I can’t help but smile. Everything I encounter gives me that same feeling of the warm sun on my skin after you’ve been cold for so long. I have hope and everything is bright, and new, and so, lovely.

  

  I need someone who can keep up with me. I want someone aggressive, who pushes me to my breaking point where I just wanna scream. Someone who will tell me that I’m not always right, and that sometimes I have to apologize for what I do wrong. I need someone who’s going to set me straight because no one has ever cared enough about me to try.

  

  I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they’re here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.

  

  Don’t edit yourself. I don’t want the half version, the kind you use to make parents adore you. I want you. I want the flaws, the stuttering, the cursing, the clumsiness. I want it all. I want your bloopers and laughs. I want the awkward.. everything. I want your goofy. I want your anger. I want to fight with you…. and you to piss me off. I want to frustrate you. Won’t you let me? Will you let me in and show me how you operate?

  

  When people walk away from you, let them go. You shouldn’t have to talk them into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, and coming to see you, because if they really cared about you in the first place; they would not be going anywhere.

  

  It took my breath away. How could anybody confuse truth with beauty? Truth came with sunken eyes, bones, scars, decay. It’s teeth are bad, its hair gray and unkempt…. while beauty was empty as a gourd. It’s as vain as a parakeet. But, it had power… it smelled of musk and oranges and made you close your eyes in a prayer.

  

  Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

  

  I know you did it on purpose, and that’s why I didn’t understand up into now. I thought I meant something to you. I didn’t think you were playing with me. I thought you were different this time, but lately all you’ve done is play mind games, screw me over, and make me so damn frustrated. I don’t know why I fell for you, but baby I assure you I did. You’re all I think about when I’m suppose to be paying attention in class. You’re the one I want to be texting constantly. You’re the one I think when I read all these love quotes, and listen to Taylor Swift songs. It’s only you. I just thought you were better than that. I guess I thought you wouldn’t be the kind to play games with me.. but I guess I was wrong, again.

  

  All I want to do is watch people, but I’m too afraid they’ll see me. Strangers are beautiful because they never hurt you. I lie on the grass – breathing in silence, listening to the night, looking up at the stars. I look up at the night sky and I wonder about life, about you, about why I’m here. And I look up at those cold, beautiful stars so far away, and I realize life has never seemed so big.

  

  One thing I don’t understand is why so many people expect me to be miserable just so they can be happy. I have done that my whole life, doing everything I hate doing just so someone else can be satisfied. Isn’t it about time that it’s my turn to be happy?

  

  Someone will always be prettier. They will always be smarter. Their house will always be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school, and their husbands will fix more things about the house. So let it go, and love yourself and your circumstances. Think about it: the prettiest women in the world have turmoil in their house, and the highly favoured woman at your job may be unable to have children. And the richest woman you know, she’s got the car, the house, the clothes – might be lonely. And the world says “if I have no love, I am nothing.” So again, love who you are. Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say “I am blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed. Winners make things happen; losers let things happen.

  

  I adore the way your hair weaves through my fingertips like the most intricate and delicate vines. I adore the way your eyelashes glitter like fairy dust twinkling, fluttering back and forth in the moonlight. I adore the way our limbs become entangled when your skin touches mine. I adore the way the softest part of you body is the flesh on the back of your hands. I want to live there. Between the bones, to glide my lips over the mountains of you fingertips. To taste what it feels like to be pure for a moment.

  

  People. When you say goodbye to them for the last time, you’d expect it to be special. Never mind that there’s never any way to know for sure you’re never going to see them again.

  

  Nostalgia: it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, a time machine. It goes backwards and forwards…it takes a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel. It let’s us travel the way a child travels – around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.

  

  I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.

  

  Some strangers become more important to you than family. Maybe because you’re not expected to love them. You can leave them whenever you want to. Every moment together is a choice.

  

  Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead of what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn’t have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up.

  

  Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.

  

  It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and when you want to move on but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away. It’s so hard to think back to how things used to be and looking at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it’s not worth it, but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it.

  

  I spent a lot of time being miserable. It’s like misery’s an old friend. And it tricks you sometimes into thinking that it’s just always gonna be there, and that you can’t be happy. But you can. You can walk away from pain. And I think being love’s the best way to do it.

  

  Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you right in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

  

  There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

  

  I have never been able to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. I meet those couples who stay friends and I think how? How do they do that?

  

  I have walked away from friendships when I’ve realized that someone smiles to someone’s face and talks about them the minute they walk out of a room. I have no room in my life for that kind of negative energy anymore.

  

  • 11:41 pm
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