February 15, 2011

• Boredom

  

  I don’t want him to call me. I don’t want to talk to him, to have to hear his voice and try and figure out a way for him to not tell by my voice how much I miss him.

   

  If having him in my life seems to be essential to my happiness, then regardless of the moments when I am away from him and thinking about how things didn’t work out, I want, well, need for us to be okay. It’s so hard to explain. I guess you’d have to be me or my heart to get it.

   

  You consume me. You are the reason for my smile and the reason why I am so happy. The reason why I keep going and the reason why I now know what it is to be in love.

  
  

  Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel always. Be you, and be okay with it.

   

  I know that after I left he sort of put me on this back shelf in his mind, this like second row of his heart, but for me he’ll never be anything but first.

  

  
  

  I hope the part of you that is missing while I am gone affects you more than you can handle. I hope it’s the part that would usually start your day off well, so that now you’ll get up each morning wondering why you feel miserable. I hope it’s the part that wants to kiss other girls, and now you find you are unable to let your lips touch anyone but my own. And finally, I hope it’s the part that allows you to sleep well and instead you will toss and turn regretting the day you said I was part of you or rather, the day you forgot to tell me you no longer wanted it.

  

  
  

  He is the only one who makes me feel alive; makes me feel, well– like this. He has literally this past week or so, got me from one day to the next. It will be Tuesday and I’ll think ‘well, I’ll see him on Friday’ and before I know it I can’t even remember there was a Wednesday or Thursday.

  
  

  Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart your insides at any moment was enough to keep me running. He, however, made my insides come alive, my smile become permanent, laughter more frequent– he took away my fear and gave me hope. But, more importantly for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, he gave me every reason to stay.

  

  
  

  People say that you never get over your first love and I hope that I don’t ever have to, because that would mean that I was no longer with him… and that is something I can’t imagine. I want my first love to be my only love.

   

  I’m so happy yet, so scared. And every morning it starts all over again, I open my eyes and hope that we make it through the day, because without him I would have no place.

  

  
  

  I’ve never felt anything like it– passion, pain… all of it. And even though it feels like it’s killing you, at the same time it reminds you that you’re still alive.

  
  

  Hope is always there. When things aren’t going well, you feel something inside saying that things will soon get better; a hope for good things to come. Hope is there when you first have a crush on someone, it’s the electricty type feeling you get when you see that person; when you’re smiling because of them. It’s the feeling that, well, maybe this person is going to be that person… maybe this is going to be something amazing. It’s the hope that something more will come from something simple.

  

  

  and maybe they’re right, you know, maybe i expect too much — maybe somewhere in the back of my head i want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn’t possible.. but i dont care. i dont care if i’m ‘expecting to much.’ because, i’ve seen glimpses, well — more than glimpses, in other moments in the past.. with other guys … so i know that what i am looking for is out there somewhere.

   
  

  Most people live their life moment to moment. They think about the present and what is happening now. Others look to the future and think of all that could be, and all that someday will be. And the rest of us, well, we are too blinded by the past to see anything else clearly.

  

  
  

  I felt the goodbye when we hugged. The strength in his arms as if that was the last bit of him he had to give me. I realized as I was walking away that in holding on as tight as he did — was really just him letting go.

  

  

  It’s funny, in jr. high and then high school.. you cant wait to escape the drama. The irrational decisions and heartbreak. but you know what? Even after you leave– that stuff still exists, it’s just a more grown-up version is all.  The emotions don’t change… our vocabulary just gets bigger. We now have more sophisticated words to use when letting someone down.

   
  
  So where is the line between worrying about someone elses feelings and watching out for ourselves? It’s okay to tell a white lie if it makes someone feel better… or be there for someone when you really would rather be somewhere else. But when does it start being your fault for not feeling the way someone else wants you to feel? There has to be a line. A time to back off. A time when it is okay to be blantantly honest because that is what is best for YOU.

   
  

  Just friends… it’s almost impossible. Especially if it was once something more than that. Going back to friends is just a way of trying to twist and mold it into something else, something that keeps you both holding on by strings, when all you really need to do is let go… be free of one another. On the other hand, to let go – to accept that you aren’t what the other person wants can crush you. But once you let go, once you really say goodbye… it’s eventually better for you. There is no obligation, no worry, and no need to still make that other person happy.

   
  

  Letting go: you want to rid yourself of that person, you want their face to stop appearing everytime you hear that certain song, and you want to not call them at 3am when your heart hurts. But if you let them go, if you cut them out of your life… then thats it -they’re gone. You will never get a do-over and never get a chance to make things right. You will go from being the reason they once smiled, being that person they could always count on… to the person they hope to never have to see again, because the awkwardness would be too much to bear.

   

  
  

  The battle of head versus heart is excruciating. Which is the right one to follow? My head which is trying to protect my heart? Or my heart, my heart that is falling hopelessly… leading me into a dead end… walking me head first into a brick wall? I wish I could say my vision is blurry– that I’m blinded, but I can see so clearly it scares me. I see the part of me that just can’t walk the other way, that can’t tear my eyes off of him or keep myself from trembling when he looks directly at me– when he makes me feel like I’m the only person in a room.

   
  

  It sounds stupid, but its easier being with someone who doesn’t have the full ability to be with me the same way… only half-way giving my heart knowing I’m not responsible for anything, since he isn’t free to give me his… Never being fully involved, therefore never being fully able of being let down. This way—I hurt myself, I bring myself into a situation that has no good ending and am able to say “when” at the time I know I need to.

   
  

  Sometimes I feel like the heart and mind play tricks on each other. That just when you have got yourself convinced with one that something is what you want, the other steps in and makes you feel nothing but doubt.

   

  I sometimes find it hard to believe how fast it all can happen… How a person can come into your world and just flip it around (in a good way). It’s kind of a miracle that there are people out there who by just being a part of your life…. make it better.

   

  Its hard to not keep going back to something, someone, that makes you feel… something. Even if it isn’t good for you.

   
  

  It’s like ‘playing with fire’ or ‘flirting with disaster’ in a way. It’s thinking you will only go so far, and that’s it. But if you do cross that line, only to realize it was never a line at all…. then how do you stop yourself after that? People are generally good at heart. But we all have faults. We all toy with things we shouldn’t.  The unknown. Or maybe it isn’t always the unknown. — Sometimes its what we think we want. it’s feeling-driven. It’s dangerous.

   
  

  That’s the thing about closing whole chapters in our lives.  Its tough. Its one of those bitter-sweet things about life… having the memories, but not being able to go back to them. And when we try, they’re never as good as they were the first time.

   
  

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  • 10:38 pm
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