December 19, 2012

  • She’s all laid up in bed with a broken heart

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    So I guess that’s what we do; we wait. You’re always going to feel pain, hurt, pressure. But over time, our wounds heal, our hearts grow, and we begin to forget exactly who made us the wreck we are today. Because with time, comes strength. Once we get through the pain, we can embrace everything life has to offer, and pursue that with our heads held high.

    Unlike you, I am not a good pretender. I have always been a slave of my own emotions. That is why you have to understand me when I avoid you every chance I get. I don’t want you to see how vulnerable I still am after everything that has happened. I don’t want you to see, behind my sarcastic smiles, that it’s still you I keep behind the bleeding walls of my heart.

    I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person but I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now. I don’t do that for just anyone. So, call me crazy, but today… today I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you. I’m moving on, I can’t stay in one place waiting. I can’t be around you anymore. I’m not over it, I don’t get over things fast, I never have, no matter how much I try and convince myself. I’ll see you around sometime. I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click and everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. So, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me, maybe you won’t.

    If we could take a lesson from “You never know what you got, until it’s gone”, maybe we’d learn to appreciate what we have more often. You can’t always get the perfect moment, all you can do is make the best out of the circumstances. Because there will never be the perfect guy, but there will be the guy you learned to love; his flaws and everything else in between.

    I hate what you’ve done to me. You’ve made me afraid to fall in love, afraid to care for anyone, afraid to trust anyone. Ever since you left, after all the broken promises, I can’t trust anyone, I can’t get too close to anyone. I’ve built a wall so high around myself, no one can get in. You’ve made me like this. Every time someone new comes into my life, I distance myself so much from them, they leave. You’ve been the cause of all the dysfunction in my relationships, and you have no clue, because I still love you so much that I’ll never actually tell you any of this.

    To this is when we finally learn the real meaning of change. You do the things you used to be against, you date the people you thought you never would, and you befriend the people you used to hate. You’ll learn what it’s like to have your heart broken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, and to feel as if everything is really falling apart. There will be times that your life seems so absolutely horrible it feels like it’s not real. Despite all this, good things will come too. You’ll make the most amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn’t. Your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you’ve ever met, and just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be the days you are so happy, and the days that you feel like dying. Drama happens, gossip goes around, and people talk shit. Maybe this is just high school, maybe it’s life, or maybe this is just what growing up is.

    Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

    I guess I am just an old fashioned girl. I would rather have a guy ask me out on a few dates, open a door for me, go get me some popcorn and all the kind of stuff. Then he would take me up on a hill, on a blanket overlooking the city, and ask me to go steady with him. I mean that is so much more attractive than “hey wanna go out?” or “wanna be my girlfriend?” I would rather have something cute, old fashioned and a sweet outta heart, but that is just me.

    I can’t tell you how much I’d love to take back every word I said. You gave me every reason to ignore the lies you fed me then. And I’m so sorry, I must escape before you suffocate me, so I waited patiently as long as I could, fought so hard for someone, that I loved. But who later turned out to be someone I hardly knew.

    If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.

    I guess you get used to somebody, kinda like having them around. I guess you get used to the way they make you happy, bring you up when you’re feeling down. I never dreamed when I was letting you go that I would wake up and miss you this much. I guess you get used to somebody. I guess you get used to being loved.

    I spent a lot of time being miserable. It’s like misery’s an old friend. And it tricks you sometimes into thinking that it’s just always gonna be there, and that you can’t be happy. But you can. You can walk away from pain. And I think being love’s the best way to do it.

    Don’t ever use someone’s past against them. You’re just reminding them of the mistakes they made back then. If you watch their facial expression carefully, then you’ll see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. Never use emotion as a weapon, it strikes deeper than you can imagine.

    To let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss, and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free.

    We try, we struggle, all the time to find words to express our love. The quality, the quantity, certain that no two people have experienced it before in the history of creation. Perhaps Catherine and Heath-cliff, perhaps Romeo and Juliet, maybe Tristan and Isolde, maybe Hero and Leander, but these are just characters, make-believe. We have known each other forever, since before conception even. We remember playing together in a playpen, crossing paths at F.A.O. Schwarz. We remember meeting in front of the Holy Temple in the days before Christ, we remember greeting each other at the Forum, at the Parthenon, on passing ships as Christopher Columbus sailed to America. We have survived a pogrom together, we have died in Dachau together, we have been lynched by the Klu Klux Klan together. There has been cancer, polio, the bubonic plague, consumption, morphine addiction. We have had children together, we have been children together, we were in the womb together. Our history is so deep and wide and long, we have known each other a million years. And we don’t know how to express this kind of love, this kind of feeling.

    I am going to give you a piece of advice, advice I wish I’d been told back in high school, in between the don’t-do-acid and don’t-drink-and-drive films. I wish our counselors had told us, “When you grow older, a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. It’s called loneliness, and you think you know what it is now, but you don’t. Here is the list of the symptoms, and don’t worry, loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. Just remember one fact;loneliness will pass. You will survive, and you will be a better human for it.”

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