April 21, 2013

• Just give me a reason

  

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  We could sit around and cry, but frankly you’re not worth it anymore.

  

  People talk. People lie. People cheat. People change their ways. People do stupid things. People walk out of your life. People hurt you. People make you. People break you. People heal you. People save you. Life happens, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about any of it.

  

  At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

  

  I can’t keep chasing you. You’re taking my life away.

  

  Love can tear you apart, it can kill you. But if you’re lucky, it can put you back together.

  

  What’s worse? Saying nothing and wishing you had, or saying something and wishing you hadn’t?

  

  Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

  

  Do you know her favorite colors are pink and orange? Do you know she can’t sleep with at least two pillows and when someone mentions you, her eyes sparkle? She doesn’t like to say I love you if she thinks she may not mean it. Did you know she hates arguing, but she’s good at it? She loves the way you look at her, but hates to go a day without talking to you. She only giggles if you look at her, but she loves the fact that you do. The only thing that bothers her is when people walk into her life and she knows they can’t stay. You are her love. Break her heart and it will take a while for her to get over you.

  

  When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

  

  I’m tired of holding back feelings. When people ask me how I am, I want to reply exactly how I’m feeling. But you know what’s the saddest part of all? I can’t do that without being judged, and without exposing my biggest secret. The fact that I still can’t get over this.

  

  I’m afraid of not having enough time, not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or even to be understood myself. I’m afraid of quick judgments and mistakes that everybody makes you can’t fix them without time.

  

  I want something to wake up for every morning. It doesn’t have to be someone, but I’d like it to be. It just needs to exist. I want to stop disappointing people, because I want to stop disappointing myself. I want to stop making friends with the right kind of people who make me feel wrong. I want to find a passion for anything, anything to keep me going. I want to be the girl at the end of the movie who does a half smile and knows everything will be fine. I want total honesty to be easier to achieve. I want to end my life as myself; not as my friends, not as my family, and not as who they always expected I would be. I want the world to be worth living without love, because I don’t think I’ll ever find it. I want equality to exist among everyone. I want stress and exhaustion to disappear. I want to achieve everything they never did.

  

  The most difficult phase of your life is not when no one understands you, it’s when you don’t understand yourself.

  

  Stop falling. You have enough bruises on that poor heart of yours.

  

  Sometimes I think we waste our words, and we waste our moments, and we don’t take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

  

  Be careful though, because if you start to believe that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don’t.

  

  Don’t you dare tell me nothing matters. Everything matters. Every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight, every wisp of cloud matters. And they matter, because I can see them. And if I can see them, then they can see me. And I know that there’s an entire world that cares out there, hiding behind a world that doesn’t, afraid to show who it really is. And with or without you, I will drag that world out of the dirt and the blood and the muck 
  until we live in it. Until we all live in it.

  

  I’m incredibly awkward and negative. I get attached easily, and I hold on for too long. I don’t like opening up to people. Most five year old children can express their feelings better than me. I hide behind my fake smiles. I’m probably one of the most difficult people you will ever meet. but I can be sweet. I’m a great listener. I’ll guard your secrets with my life. I will never judge you based on your mistakes, and I’ll love you as much as I can. I can be, if you let me, one of the best things in your life.

  

  I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person but I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now. I don’t do that for just anyone. So, call me crazy, but today .. today I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you. I’m moving on, I can’t stay in one place waiting. I can’t be around you anymore. I’m not over it, I don’t get over things fast, I never have, no matter how much I try & convince myself. I’ll see you around sometime. I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click & everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said & done. So, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me, maybe you won’t.

  

  Let me tell you this: If you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.

  

  I’d like to tell today’s youth that no matter where life takes you – big cities, small towns – you’ll inevitably come across small minds. People who think that they’re better than you are. People who think that material things, or being pretty or popular, automatically make you a worthwhile human being. I’d like to tell today’s youth that none of these things matter unless you have a strength of character, integrity, and a sense of pride. And if you are even lucky to have any of these things, don’t ever sell them. Don’t ever sell out. When you meet a person for the first time, please don’t judge them by their station in life. Because who knows, that person just might end up being your best friend.

  

  Heroes didn’t leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn’t wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else’s. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back.

  

  This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends – they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything – they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them – actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

  

   The thing is we say these things now. And we know how crazy it is to be talking about a forever together, when we don’t know what forever holds. The thing about these high school relationships is, even through all the uncertainty, is even then there’s that one person you mean it to. You mean it more than you ever meant it before. And even though deep down you feel so special, you know its all cliché. You know people have been fooled before. You know people have been wrong before but you don’t care. It feels real. It is. For now. And the thing is it changes you. It really does.

  

  I’m a girl. I have feelings. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I look too deep into everything’s meaning. I dream big. My expectations are high. I can tell when I’m being lied to but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Yes, I get jealous and I’m always scared I’ll lose you. That’s why when i ask how you are I mean it. when I ask how your day was, I genuinely want to know. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying.

  

  I may only be able to count my true friends on one hand. That doesn’t say a lot about me, but it says everything about them.

  

  I guess to some extent, you get used to being alone. You get used to not expecting phone calls and having nothing to do at night. You don’t expect to turn around to open arms any longer. The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence. Your thoughts echo through your head, with no one to share them with. All in all, being alone isn’t terrible, it just hurts like hell.

  

  Cracks in the sidewalk are reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are.

  

  Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.

  

  You know, after that day, I changed. I am no longer the same person I was two days ago. I don’t know what is different, but I know I am not the same, and I know I never will be again. I am not the same person who believed in fate…I won’t believe in ‘signs’ anymore, because they really don’t mean anything, no matter how bad you wish or hope they do. As of right now, I don’t even believe in love. There is no happily ever after, not in this world. At least not for me. Not now. Not ever.

  

  It’s often said that no matter the truth, people will see what they want to see. Some people might take a step back and find out they were looking at the same big picture all along. Some people might see that their lies have almost caught up to them. Some people may see what was there all along. And then there are those other people, the ones that run as far away as they can so they don’t have to look at themselves.

  

  Here’s to you, and hoping someday you realized I actually did care.

  

  Don’t let your pride get in the way of how you truly feel.

  

  Never count down the days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds. One day you’re going to need them all back, and you’re going to wish you didn’t take them for granted.

  

  It’s often just enough to be with someone. I don’t need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You’re not alone.

  

  Don’t ever let anyone promise you that they will never hurt you because at one time or another, it will happen. The real promise is that the time you spend together will be worth all the pain in the end.

  

  • 9:14 pm
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