April 21, 2013

• Such a silly game we play

  

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  I remember all the late night talks and all the words I was comfortable saying to him, but I never would have been able to say to anyone else. I remember all the songs that take me back and make me smile. I remember all the promises we both knew would be broken. I remember all the moments he took my breath away and how he knew more about me than I thought anyone could. I remember the games we played, because we talked so much we couldn’t think of anything to say. I still think about the kind of person I must be to have thrown that all away.

  

  Everyone has that one person they go back to. Each time, they swear it’s different and they’re done for good, but they aren’t. They wish they were. The thing is, they can’t be, because that person they keep going back to, they can’t be completely happy without them.

  

  When am I going to be able to understand? I wanna see myself smile again, hear my laugh and actually mean it, and cry not because I’m sad but because I am happy. People say I have a beautiful smile, well prove it to me because I can’t even do it anymore, hiding the pain behind something that isn’t even real hurts me more than anything.

  

  We’re so irogant aren’t we? So afraid of age we do everything we can to prevent it. We don’t realize what a privlage it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn’t drive you to commit murder or deosn’t himilate you beyond repair.

  

  I’m afraid of not having enough time, not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or even to be understood myself. I’m afraid of quick judgments and mistakes that everybody makes you can’t fix them without time.

  

  Our problem is that we hate change and love it at the same time. What we really want is for things to remain the same, but get better.

  

  We’ve been through so much together. And despite how confused I’ve been or lost I might have gotten, there was always you. Finding me and saving me. You deserve to be adored so that’s what I’m gonna do.

  

  You can make all the right moves and sometimes still lose.

  

  There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.

  

  I’m not the girl who runs up to you when I see you and I’m not the girl who jumps at every moment to talk to you. I am the girl who keeps it all inside and regrets it later.

  

  People are going to disappoint you. I get that, I kind of expect that, but what if you wake up one day and realize that you’re the disappointment.

  

  Let’s face it. We’ve changed. We’ve all changed. Somewhere between summer ending and school starting, we’ve all gone in our own directions. Hearts were broken, friendships diminished, new love started and new people came into our lives. We no longer spend all of our time in our own circle of friends, we no longer talk for hours about nothing at all. We’ve changed; some for the better, some for the worse. Some of us are finding love and others are trying to let go. Even though we’ve changed, we all know that even though we’re all finding our own place in the world, that when we find love, when we let go of love, when the tears fall, or the happy smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, and no matter what happens, nothing will never change so much to the point that we’re not all friends forever.

  

  I just wish you would choose me, so we can finally be perfect.

  

  I wasn’t asking for a four page apology letter. I just wanted you to know what you put me through. That’s all.

  

  But when I look in the mirror, I see a girl who’s been through so much and yet still finds a way to smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart, or what’s left of it, and when you see her walk down the hall I can guarantee you she’ll have her head up high, faking a smile just one last time at all those who try to break her but never will.

  

  I know in the back of my mind that life would be so much easier if I never talked to you again. If I shut you out of my life and moved on, I could finally get over you. But you’re the only thing that makes me happy, whether it’s right or wrong and I don’t have the strength to give up on that.

  

  The hardest part about growing up is letting go with what you have been accustomed to and moving on with something that you haven’t experienced yet.

  

  You piss me off. You piss me off a lot. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve wanted to knock some sense into that pretty little head of yours. You push me to my limits, but this is what makes me so absolutely crazy about you. Does that make any sense? Any at all?

  

  As I look back on all that has happened: growing up, growing together, changing you, and changing me, there were times when we dreamt together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days I realize how much I will truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever and what the future holds. Our today’s make memories of tomorrow. Therefore, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you for all we have meant to each other and for what the future may hold.

  

  If you’re unhappy with your life, change it. If your life sucks, make something happen. You create the life you live. Things happen that you can’t control, but you can control how you react and how you deal with it. Don’t lose sleep over stupid things, just smile and move on.

  

  I want to appreciate the times when moments are made into memories. I want to embrace them, cherish them, and never forget that they come so few and far between. I know that wherever life takes me, these moments will always follow. They remind me of what’s truly important. It’s not just life, but living. It’s the journey, the destination and all the points in between. And I must admit, I like what I see.

  

  I don’t understand how you can smile all day long, but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change, but the people in them do. How you can love so innocently, but it can turn into anger so quickly. How your best friend can become your worst enemy. Or when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know letting go of something is best for you, it hurts just the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much time to spare. How people make promises, and bear their souls to someone despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives ‘cause it’s just easier then working things out.

  

  I want to be alright without you. I want to smile, I want to laugh, I just want to stop lying to myself. You’ve been pulling me down for way too long and I know now it’s time to let you go. It’s time I stop worrying about you and your precious little life; it’s time I think about myself for a change. It’s time I treat myself right and leave behind those who don’t. It’s time I dig myself out of this hole and start all over again with someone who just might be willing to give me the chance that you never did.

  

  I can’t say I’m proud of my life, but I can say I’m proud that I’ve learned. I’ve learned that I can’t rely on everyone, but I can’t expect everyone to hurt me either. I know some things don’t work out, but I know everything has been for the better. I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to walk around with a smile. But I know where I’ve been, and where I’m going. I know who I am and who my friends are. I’ve had some tough stuff thrown at me, but I’ve gotten by. I’m not one to complain, so I’ll keep trying. And in the end, I’ll know I did my best.

  

  After a while, you learn that you don’t need anyone else in order to survive. No one is ever going to always be there, no matter what they say or what they promise. You just gotta suck it up, accept it and keep moving on.

  

  It’s amazing how you realize when you lose someone, you get mad at yourself for not saying the things you could’ve a million times. You take for granted the days spent doing nothing when you could’ve been with them. Anyone can be taken at any time in our lives, but we always wait until they’re gone to say things we never had the courage to before.

  

   

  • 5:14 pm
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